.... those were the days ....

2007-11-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

MOVED!

HTTP://CHERRIECHOCOLATECANDY.WORDPRESS.COM

PLS RELINK! THANKS

2007-11-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOSH I AM SHOCKED BY THE MANY HORRIBLE PICTURES OF ME THAT ARE POSTED ON THE WEB, OTHER'S BLOGS AND CLASS VIDEO.

i better start being careful with my photos.

on a random note, i feel like changing to wordpress.

am considering... seems more suitable for a severely wordy person like me :D
but sadly, the html cannot be changed after setting e 1st time. i'm just too fickle minded :(

and i seriously need to update my links

2007-11-04T17:20:00.000-08:00

i think that this year, instead of enhancing my knowledge and improving me, has did more harm than good.
i feel my communicating skills break down, i've lost all forms of writing senses, the passion to read is gone.
i've lost the yearn for knowledge, the inquisitive, curiosity. the sense of righteousness and standing up for what i think is right. the argumentative side of myself.
my memory is steadily deteriorating. i've lost my thinking and inference skills. i'm much less observant than i used to be.

i haven't learn't anything this year. to add on to the misery, nt only did i not gain anything, i lost those that i already had before.

i've been too holed up in my own stupid life which revolves around studies studies and more studies and making use of all free time to sleep that i haven't noticed until now how much i've lost just by coming to sngs.

my life is just a pile of dung.

i can't even be bothered to post on cos i can't find the words to express myself.

2007-11-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

i have gotten so bored to the stage that i am hooked onto this game on miniclip called 'off the rails', cos its prob e most interesting thing i find doing now. it involves 2 jellybean men peddling this seesaw like handcart on rails, jumping over bouncing pufferfishes and blue porpucines. i am bent on passing lvl 12, which sadly, i still fail too. either i end up flying off the broken rails, losing my balance when i jump and explode, or rush on too eagerly that i fly into the unsuspected red eye insects. my state of boredness is so serious that i even ogle at the cuteness of the jellybean men in straw hats with their cute minute hands and legs, marvel at their perfect colour and tone and their absolute adorableness when they cling on to their handcart and 'fly', and pity them with utmost sadness when they explode.

to operate e handcart, you have to press the left and right arrow repeatedly to show the peddling of the cart. thus, we can all safely conclude that my second and forth finger are both exceptionally sore now.

i need some decent sleep to wake up tomorrow for church. but sadly i just can't seem to

talking to kmy makes me feel terribly unaccomplished.
i am getting so lazy that i can never managed the 30 situps i resolved to do every night. sigh

someone, slap me.

2007-11-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

i must be the laziest shit existing in the world right now

still slacking. slacking...

to make myself feel better, i try convincing myself that the term 'slack' should nt appear in my brain since its the holidays, and holidays are meant for ~~slacking~~ rest, relaxation and enjoyment. but knowing freakingly well that right now many of the 1justicians, whether it be chionging or taking their own sweet time, doing some homework. i, on the other hand, haven't even started downloading any work, started studying some shit or even start packing my junkyard.

ps: i am so lazy to the extend that right now i can't even be bothered to unglue my eyes frm e laptop, leave the bed and walk 5metres to the living rm to talk to my sister. i can't even be bothered to shout, which is easy-peasy considering my huge vocals. instead, i use the msn to convey a few simple msgs. how pathetic is that?

i can't even be bothered to walk perhaps 3metres to the kitchen to spit out the gum in my mouth that i have been chewing for almost an hour.

don't talk about e hard stuff like homework and studying. i dun even have the motivation to update my friendster, upload my pictures and clear my laptop and hp memory card. or even cook my own decent meals or empty a sachet of coffee powder into a mug, having to resort to cornflakes and milk.

whats becoming of me? oh dear.

i need to find the determination to start working. fast.

2007-11-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

BEEP.

i have been putting off blogging abt my ppr and sat's teens for so long.
bleughhhhh

why?

both are so horrible that i don't really want to think about it

nt so great but long day today. had lunch with some band ppl. then rushed off for band at 1.30 and blah blah blah. got taken my mr ong at e music rm cos some stupid stole away the dance studio which according to some person that we booked 1st. hurmph. blew a couple of funny things. was pretty squashed up trying to share scores. some things happened then which made me feel confused and pissed. and shiying was looking frigging emo. haha. then we had to scram at 3.30 cos co was coming in... bleughh.

"you all can go home now"

"HOORAY"

happily trots back to the band rm to find that we were having combine with HER and the woodwinds.

"BLEUGH"

was a stupid thing trying to have combined in e band rm. we poor trombones and trumpets were tottering at the back on the steps and trying to find places for our stands and horribly long slide. was better for e trumpets, at least their instrus wern't as huge. the other sects were just squashed along e benches. but i totally sympathize with the percs. they were like along the stairs, facing the danger of falling down. with drums somemore. *clap clap* don't know how they managed it.

played i saw mummy kissing santa claus. hated it. i kinda cheated a little. i was hiding behind this pillar at e back. haha. then i got kinda scared and guilty for cheating my way out and tried to blow a little. but that was worse. i was just like spoiling the whole thing. and i was sandwiched between 1st and 2nd. and i would blow 1st at the parts i could and when they were too high, i wuld switch to 2nd. horrible me. and i'm terrible at feigning blowing. the look on my face just gives me away.

got kinda pissed...

then joannah gave us all a treat at pasta mania. ohmygosh. freaking exp. joannah must be like chao rich. we cabbed there cos there was supposed to be a 30% discount frm 2.30-5.30 and it was already 5 budden i duno why dey didn't give it to us ): and no one seemed to be bothered anyway so haha nevermind. ate my fave baked rice ((: then qixuan left and we sat in macs to be bored... just didn't want to go home. left at arnd 7.15 (:

went home on 156 with joannah.

"i swear i know the right way home this time (:"

i'm really confused and tired of what they call, ______ politics
is the world that complex?
there are just too many fakers and hyprocrites around that i really duno who to trust anymore.

should i go for band camp?
well its a stupid question.
but i'm still hesitating.... i really want my 6A gathering ):

okok... i promised to upload those pics for e sect today

is life always that complicated?

2007-10-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

oh nono... i'm feeling tired, confused and fustrated. and perhaps a little pissed.

why?

woke up early in e morn to finish off her present. rush to amk hub. arrived 15mins early and i got a shock when shiying arrived nt long later. and diana did too, with jolene. it made me kinda pissed e way some others have no sense of punctuality. its freaking irritating. and suddenly we received a sms that we were having her birthday celeb at e canteen at 12.15 and it was already 11.25 -.- we ate in a rush and qixuan just arrived after we ate finish. we rushed off to sch in a cab, reached there arnd 12.20 to find that no one had arrived. hurmph.

what a complete waste of $5

and by the time she came band started already.
and then immediately after band she rushed off. which made me waste time rushing her present in e morn since i didn't even get to give it to her. sigh.

i'm pissed.

fustrated over another matter.

and confused over the complexity of life and the human mind.

i love my sect greens. they do help me out and give me alot of fun. shiying cheers me up when i'm unhappy, diana encourages me to pray and read e bible, qixuan listens to my woes and reminds me to save money and olivia acts as the mother hen and takes care of us. yet i do sometimes hate certain things that they do. how can people hate, yet love someone at e same time? well i can. its a weird feeling that prob no one else wuld understand. i'm confused by myself. i don't really like band now cos mostly i'm unhappy during it. i really miss the times where the 5 of us wuld just blow a note and burst out laughing, when we were super zihigh during friday sectionals, jumping singing laughing bouncing and everything. now that we've known each other better over the times that we spent together during band and thru the difficult or happy times we had, we've come to love each other more. yet during this times we've came to look at each other's faults and tend to pinpoint, thus disliking them. i feel really weird that sometimes i love them, yet sometimes i feel the dislike towards them. sigh.

confusion.

no wonder they said children are always the happiest.

i'm just wasting my hols away...

2007-10-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

freaking. i am already irritated my my irritable-ness enough and there's now a new thing for me to be irritated about. property agents.
although we've declined them pointedly i think more than a dozen times, they seem to can't resist calling. i feel like screaming into their empty head, "BUG OFF. ALL MY HOUSE HAS TO OFFER IS A COUPLE OF SNAILS, WORMS, RATS, COCKROACHES, LIZARDS AND MORE MORE MORE. PRONE TO BUGLARS, RAPIST, FLASHERS, MURDERERS, LOONIES AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE. UNLESS YOU ARE SICK OF YOUR LIFE AND WOULD LIKE TO END IT IN AN EXCITING WAY, LOVE HAVING THE COMPANY OF INTERESTING HOUSEHOLD PESTS OR LOVE EATING ESCARGOTS, GET LOST.

*pissed*

and i suddenly got reminded of joannah's birthday. thus now i am having to rush out her present.

i'm saddened by the fact that i like to handmake prezzies for ppl cos i think its more meaningful and sincere but some people treats it as junk and just toss them aside, thinking that i am just being cheakskate and stingy. sigh ):

on a brighter note, i love mum! she bought me this really really nice jacket which costs $40. it orginally costs $50 but there was a 20% discount. i am so so so happy! (: actually she didn't really buy it. cos she bought this $110 gown and didn't like it, ended up changing it for a $80 gown. so she had to top up and agreed to getting me e jacket! so happy! only worry is that U2 will go on half price sale like they usually do during year end and then i see a nicer jacket there... ): i just love those U2 jackets. but they are freaking exp.. ): and oh i also fell in love with a pair of jeans that i plan to buy after i've saved enough... (:

chatted a little just now with diana on msn abt christianity. that made me doubt my own salvation. sigh. many times i've been provoked into thinking too deep into things, which just causes more confusion. such as the previous teen's. ):

was nice of her to help me out with reading e bible and praying (:
she encouraged me to pray for tongues too... hmm. nt too sure about that one.

got msn-ed by a couple of old pri sch friends lately. made me realised how much things have changed after we all left for our own seperate ways. while people like me and clau wuld use the terms, 'mug. slack. unglam. enthu. zihigh. emo', people who have gone different ways would be saying, 'sia. noob. nia. duh. lame.' and who knows what else... i feel so out of touch with what i would call the neighbourhood-mixed-sch society. and i realised how hard i find to communicate with guys nowadays... perhaps apart from elton. sigh. things abt going to a sap, top and girls sch.

ok crapped enough. on to making presents.

i'm sick of the way i lead my life

2007-10-28T14:50:00.000-07:00

i am very irritable. what is e prob with me. i am nt happy during sch days, neither am i happy during hols. i am bored like shit and practically dying.
there are many things to do, but all of them nt to my liking. homework, for example. and packing up my messes and getting things organized.

sigh. irritating

i am actually looking forward to band. though if she comes i will just die. well, at least its a form of excitement *raises eyebrowns*

and things made me more irritated. i don't know why people say we are bonded when we are just so not. well maybe i just have higher expectations.

i am freaing irritable. so i shall nt blog anymore. although i feel like finishing up that unfinished few posts. but i am just feeling too irritable.

i hope people such as e sect greens or 1justicians or my pri sch mates will just start ringing and msg-ing me to go out. i am already sick of e house though its ony e 1st day of hols.

JOAN IS FEELING IRRITABLE

2007-10-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

ok i promised to blog but apparently i'm too lazy.

will do so after piano tmr. if i ever survive it. I HAVEN'T PRACTICED. SHIT. stephanie is bombarding me with so many above my standard things i don't know where to start practicing. melodic minors, broken chords arpeggios and chromatics both hands, chord progression. and so many others. sigh.

today was confusing

2007-10-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

ok, 2 things to blog about yest.

things before lunch. things after lunch. and then what happened at orchard on thurs.
i shall blog about things after lunch 1st as they're shorter. nt much time left to teen's.

and then i shall leave a post on 1j's blog *sniffs*

played table tennis with kmy after sch... up till arnd 2pm. then we ate lunch and i left for band at arnd 2.45pm. decided to visit e dnt rm to find that mr tay finally fixed my table lamp liao!!! so happy. :) but 1 of the panels dropped out so i gotta go there nxt yr to fix it again ):

then i saw qixuan and shiying and decided to play badminton with them. hot like shit. then we went in for abit of table tennis until all e pros started streaming in and we decided to siam. back to badminton. then we went into e band rm for aircon cos it was too too hot. haha this is bad for the health :S

sectionals wasn't very productive. 1st-ly, e sec3s wern't there. thus, we had totally no self dicipline. sigh :( sec2s went for drills while we did warm ups. then something made me boil and i kinda yelled abit. well perhaps alot. i just really couldn't stand her and her freaking attitude anymore. so what if she's older, who does she think she is? making people follow her orders and do everything for her. i'm nt her personal maid or anything okay. i was just being nice to do her and everyone else a favour to photocopy their scores for them and she gives me this kind of attitude. was it my prob if she lost her scores? still dare to show me attitude. nt as if i lost her scores for her or smth. and when i told her i photocopied extra and put it in the box, she still dared to order me to get them for her. *pissed*

i'm sick of being peace loving all the time. yes, you can snigger. i don't give it a damm. just cos i don't want to spoil our relationship, i just go on pretending all the time that i'm happy and everything is fine. when you really piss me to the limit i raise my voice and then you yell at me for being disrespectful to you. hello, you've gotta start earning your respect. respect others 1st if you want them to respect you. i'm tired of you saying f*** all the time around me and when i tell you nt to say it time and time again, you tell me its perfectly normal and continue saying it. hello, respect other's even if you don't respect yourself can? its time someone knocked some sense into you.

and then diana decided to distract us with her card tricks >:( sec2s came back and started packing the sect. its really clean now :) i love chengmei and joannah ((:

prac a teeny bit more. then the snrs taught us grease where i felt super out. thanks to the stupid fact i was playing 1st. weiping wasn't there, she wasn't there too, she left halfway thru band. so i was left there trying to blow whatever was on that stupid 4 pgs while joannah taught qixuan and chengmei taught diana and shiying cos 2nd and 3rd scores are e same. sigh. i blew till my lips were purple >:(

and i realised how much i hated cut time cos i wuld get chao confused. I HATE CUT TIME >:( why can't they just make it normal, and then put a note that says, 'play twice as fast'. that wuld be so much eaiser to comprehend. this is dumb.

went home with joannah. going home with her was a confusing task. 1st, we decided to take 163. then cos she wanted to go drinks store, we went by st 13 way instead. stuck at ave 4, and we were with qixuan and christine too. then after christine left, we visited macs for fries and sprite. then we decided to be nice and go with qixuan by yio chu kang way. ran after e 1st bus we saw, which turned out to be 268. BAH. i forgot only 76 went to the 86 busstop. then we missed the stop to e mrt, and ended up walking back, to find that we were at e wrong bus stop. blah blah blah blah. ended up walking almost 1km back to the 86 busstop. i felt mean to joannah :( and a realised how safe she was when it comes to crossing e road :D when we were finally there, joannah suddenly wanted to take bus 70 frm e interchange to her grandfather's hse :S so we crossed an overhead just when 86 came. BAH. then we took bus 70, a alighted 1st at yio chu kang road to take 163. sigh. everything wuld be much simpler if we just went to ave 2 to take 163. and what's e worst thing? i was carrying my trombone. yes, cos i realised how much i slacked that day and decided to prac over e weekends till tues. and what's even worse? i brought home my trombone but didn't bring home my scores. BAH.

i thought joannah wuld be angry that i led her the wrong way but she said it was fun getting lost :S
reached home at 8.45pm >:|

my arms were aching by e time i reached home. and my palms are red, sore and blistered, and i bruised my hips by bumping my trombie darling into it continuously. sigh.

so that concludes what happened after lunch yest.
did many things i never dared to do before... hmm... scolding her, for example
haha, i shall post more later :D

and its hard to believe the hols are finally here.
*mixed emotions*

2007-10-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

lots of things to blog! too tired! i shall post tomorrow!

my hands are red, sore and blistered

SIGH

2007-10-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

i'm happy cos i found a new kind of embroidery thread. better quality. 100% cotton. doesn't entangle easily, doesn't untwine itself. and its longer and cheaper than the one i use now (:

i love that kind of embroidery thread :D

i'm feeling fustrated cos of my messes all over the whole house ): sigh.
must really pack and organize everything during e hols. though its hard to. very very hard. sigh ):
seeing the band room makes me feel like packing up my sect area too. its just so messy
i hate things being messy, but i don't know where to start to clear them.
SIGH
and many many things to buy but no money )):

I'M FUSTRATED!

and there's still holiday homework!

rushing to orchard now. lots of things to do!

byebye! :D

2007-10-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

OH NO CLARISSA I AM REALLY SO SO SO EVER SORRY ):

just read some blogs... ah well. shiying if thats what you think about main combined, aren't i in a worse situation?
and i realised how much i would actually miss everyone i've come to known in this long, yet seemingly short year.

i'm going dangerously broke. and there's so so many more things i've gotta buy. sigh

its finally the end of a year of jap. been eventful, tiring, stressful... today was e last lesson, so e remedia ppl got to go back to our class for a supposedly farewell thing but i guess my class is just too cold. we did comprehension (bleugh!) and tongue twisters which i totally suck at. and i got reminded once again of my horrible E8. i told mum i considered dropping but deep inside, i really couldn't bear to... )':

held a farewell party for jess today at e canteen after sch. haha... she was touched. i know i seemed very nonchalant and cold but i will really miss her. and all whom i won't see again in e same class nxt yr too... ): this is saddening.
was quite a sight. haha. we lay out all our food and some parent from the neighbouring table asked if we were setting up a stall :D
and the way we ate was unglam. esp when i was eating oreos :P

ppr's coming back on friday. i think i will really cry when i see my grades cos they just suck. esp when its pulled down so so much my my stupid E8. this is the 1st time i've ever failed... i've always been a happy go lucky person in e past cos there wasn't really much about acad stuff for me to worry about... i've never cried over my grades, or perhaps even worried about them at all. but now everything is just different... ): i'm scared that i'll get a shock this time when i see my ppr. this is e 1st ever time i'm scared to receive back my ppr cos it kinda rounds up e whole sucky year... and i can see what a terrible student i actually am. oh no...

long long day tmr. i've got 4 more friendship bands to tie, 37 letters to write, gifts to get, and 2 special presents to make. nt to mention going to orchard with kmy and i-don't-know-who-else-cos-she-wouldn't-tell-me and then heading to plaza sing to get some stuff i am really in need of. I SERIOUSLY NEED FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE >:(

ah well. i'm really tired.

i hope tmr and friday will be good
afterall, they are the last 2 days of e acad yr ): *sniffs*

2007-10-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

I HATE YOU

>:(

and the you is refering to many people

i don't know why i miss you people so much. when no one seems to give a damm about my existance at the gathering. why do i pin on to wistful hopes that something right wuld happen and i'll be able to go when no one even cares about me going or not? i'm really confused. while you people are having fun there, i'm having a once-in-a-lifetime swearing in. which according to most seniors, an extremely impt thing and blah. why does my presense mean nothing to all of you and i make no difference whether you all are happy or sad, when you all are able to make me so unhappy and probably all the way thru swearing in? i don't know why i mean so little to all of you that you won't even make an effort to meet me on the second day. i feel really really hurt deep down. those who i've once considered my bestest friends in e world... actually i mean nothing to them.

why do i always allow that to happen to me? i hate being sensitive, no matter how hard to change e fact dat i am, i can't. i've tried being nonchalant, but that just makes me feel worse and more unhappy. why do i allow others, and things to hurt me so easily?

speaking of this, i hate the way my existance doesn't matter. nothing will change in the world even if i vanish without a trace. no one cares if i'm there or not. even worse, they hate the fact that i am actually there. they can't wait for me to scram and disappear.

i hate myself.

and, I HATE HER. she suddenly announced that we were to clear our lockers and tables and EVERYTHING by TODAY. and i was clearing my locker when we suddenly had to rush off for e.lit drama thing. and then she was like telling me to come back during break to clear my locker. and i said okay. and when i went back during break, SHE THREW AWAY EVERYTHING THAT I LEFT IN MY LOCKER. OH DAMM. so what if she has alot of money? poor folks like me can't afford to re-buy everything okay. ok i admit i've cleared most of e impt stuff and the stuff lying at the bottom was just a pile of debris lying there since the start of term. but SO WHAT? SHE HAS NO RIGHTS TO THROW AWAY ALL MY STUFF. and she threw away my ONLY BATIK PAINTING LEFT. the rest were stolen when i brought them to sch for ipw. DOES SHE KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME? ITS SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER BE REPLACED. i hate her i hate her I HATE HER SO FREAKING MUCH. OHHHHH I HATE HER!!!

and i'm so so so so so very sorry clarissa i made a muck out of eur phone.
you see, she asked me to help her lock her phone. and i thought she wanted to lock her sim card. so i went to e lock sim card thing and then they asked for a code which no one knew. and the thing is stuck there forever until she phones singtel. I AM SO SO SORRY CLARISSA ):

and i don't know why i hate so easily. i didn't use to be like this. i've seriously changed, alot. i now hate people for so many different reasons. the thing is, i can hate someone but still get along with them perfectly fine. that is, when they don't do the thing i hate. i don't really hate people, just the things they do. does this make sense?

and it takes me such pains to forgive. and i'll probably never ever forget. i've tried forgiving, i seriously did. that time i tried forcing myself to accept it, but then i keep feeling that it is you who don't want it to happen. perhaps the hurt we've caused each other is too deep. i just wanted you to know i seriously tried. but the memories keep refreshing themselves in my head and come back to haunt me. i even tried to write you a eoy letter, to find that i couldn't bring myself to write it. what could i write? "thank you for the happy times we had and lets just forget all the unhappy ones". that i don't think i can ever do. or "i'm sorry for the hurt you've caused me and i've caused you". that wouldn't sound right in a eoy letter. i really don't know. i want it to end, nice and properly. afterall, all grudges should end at the end of e yr. but i don't know how to do it. sigh.

band was a muck.
but at least she wasn't here (:

random note. i must stop my sleepwalking, talking, moving. i do things in my sleep subconciously/unconciously without knowing it and it gives me alot of trouble. biggest and most comman example. i off my alarm clock unknowingly when it rings in e morn.
its my body's natural reaction. something i have no control of.
the problem is, i've gotten so used to it i now do it in my sleep.
thus, i can't wake up.
maybe someday i shall invent a alarm that dumps water on me when it rings :D

i realised how much i've changed...
i shall post abt it another day. freaking tired

i'm beginning to fear the and of e yr and nxt yr

changes. sometimes i like them, but sometimes i don't
but i am one who doesn't excatly adapt easily
and i hate endings.

sigh.

it has truly been a hectic, busy, long eventful blah blah blah year
one part of me wishes it to end, the other part doesn't
i'm confused with myself

why must life be so complex?

2007-10-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

i must say, i really hate you

>:(

its gonna be e end of e sch yr soon... how sad. all year i've been wishing this sch year wuld end sooner but now it comes, i realised i can't bear to part with my sec one life. lovely sec 1J despite the more unhappy times. being on e ground floor having a spacious outdoor garden instead of a teeny balcony. walking through the backdoor straight to the playground, hall and canteen. i will miss 1J, both classroom and people ):

and i shall also miss sec 1 combined and being the youngest in e whole sec sect of e sch. swearing in is in approx 36 days. duno whether to be happy or sad... well i don't think i'll even be happy during swearing in cos i'll be missing the cliquey with its wonderful people who are at the other side of e island together. and after swearing in everything's gonna change. no more sec1 combine and sec1 berato and whatsoever. and she's gonna start giving us hell. sigh. and nxt yr there'll be juniors. that i also duno whether to be happy or sad...

nxt yr we're officially sec2s where the sec1s look up to (hopefully). no more being young and innocent, and the time has past where we could relax and enjoy life. well i think it has passed long long ago but haha nxt yr's going to be worse. and it will just continuing worsening until Godknowswhen. sigh. i'll really feeling apprehensive about the future years to come.

i'm really scared of life

talking about the present, there's so many messes to clear up. most of them which i have created for myself. haha. messes in school, messes at home. my sec1 stuff are spewing all over the place in both places. i've gotta now empty the many lockers i've occuiped illegally, my overflowing table, the stuff i pile up all over the floor beside my desk and God knows what more. and at home i've got stuff just simply lying all over the house. sigh. i've bought this huge box to stuff all my sec1 stuff but i think its nt even enough space... i think by the time sec 4 comes i'll have died in a pileup of my books, notes and whatsoever. sighsighsigh. and my room is so so so messy i don't know when will i ever have it properly packed. things stacked... everywhere. thinking about it gives me a headache. why can't i be organized like some people? i don't even know where to start packing. sigh.

and its time to start revising in preparation for nxt yr. i really don't know what i've learnt in sec1, now that i spend time thinking about it. i've been too busy in my mad rush through projects, courseworks, tests and blah blah that i haven't stopped to ponder why am i actually doing all these and what have i actually learnt. i can just curse myself over the fact i can't be more realistic like my sisters whose sec 1,2,3 life passed in a breeze and only start working hard in sec4. isn't that what most people do? afterall, what do you learn in sec 1,2,3 that is useful for later life? sigh. all we want is a cert, a degree. when you come to secondary, teachers tell you to forget all you've learnt in primary. when you go jc, teachers tell you to forget all about secondary. when you go to uni, everything you've learn in the past is all forgotten and all you care about is getting your degree. when you've got your degree, no one gives a damm about anything else except you've got a degree. so why can't we just start working our way towards getting a degree now? life is just so confusing.

i really feel like such a failure. i really don't know what i've learnt this year. come to think of it, practically nothing. i've been too busy chionging and chionging to learn anything. everything i've studied for tests leaks out right after it. all pws i do i refer to textbooks and forget later on. i've done so many tests and projects that i can't even remember why i did them and what were they about. sigh

Joan Chan is a plain loser

its time to get started on revising.

i've got 2 months to clear up the messes i've created. which, come to think of it, is a very very short time. sigh. i shall dedicate part of it to packing my stuff. i think my house is plain hopeless but maybe i could just compile my sec1 stuff and store them away nicely. then the sec 2 stuff will come in... ): i might also tidy up some of the more vital places such as my study table :P and another part will be dedicated to organizing things such as my holiday planner, finance stuff, studying schedue and things i need to buy and stock up on. i am a well known ~~rubbish collector~~ person who stocks up on miscellaneous things :D and then another part is dedicated to STUDYING. sighsigh. especially jap. ): and then there's still BAND. sigh even more. and so so so so so many other things to do in such a short time frame.

unlike the past holidays where i had all the time to clear up my stuff for the year, this year's different
i've got practically a hundred and one more things to do than the past years
this shows how hetic and messy my sec1 life is >:(

thinking of this gives me a splitting headache.

i think my life will just remain a mess until e day i die.

i'm in a huge mess

2007-10-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

here i am today. ~~with all the time in the world~~ abit of time cos sis is sleeping and i've gotta prac piano. well it was tough trying to force myself up in the morning but i managed (: went back to sleep a little while after by passing it of as a short nap. haha.

ok, lets start off on wed.

had jap remedia after sch. was sad cos i had to miss the movie and apparently i don't have time on the other days to go watch ): i'm beginning to think band and 3rd lang just don't go hand in hand. maybe its time i gave up.

i loved the remedia teacher so much! she is so so so so much better than poon. well she seemed a little angry cos i forgot to bring my remedia worksheets but she didn't scold but reminded me kindly. and the way she asked questions was not how poon does. poon gives you e feeling she is trying to torture you and pick on you and an answer is a must, whereas this teacher asked kindly and you can say you don't know and she'll teach you nicely. so unlike poon. I LOVE HER TO BITS. i hope i'll get her as my jap tr nxt yr (: and she speaks simple jap during lesson so that you can learn better. and speaks fluent english to help you understand sometimes too. omg i am obsessed with her. and she plays games with us and uses interesting teaching methods. I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH :D

i hope she'll be teaching us nxt remedia too (:

thusday. well colours ceremony was kinda boring, and i stupidly forgot to wear my family tee. and then kmy started dao-ing me and got sad... well actually it was kinda a misunderstanding cos she thought i was dao-ing her ): i should learn to be more sociable! went to the asian civilisation museum. nice place, looked like a palace frm e outside. i saved a place right at the back for kmy (though at that time i thought she was angry with me but it didn't seem nice to sit with denise and leave her alone, and she thought i was angry with her so she sat at the front). so kmy came to the back and i let her sit inside beside denise inside. and then zhangmanli banished me to the front cos very unluckily i was sitting in the middle so when the bus jerked i wuld fly to the front. drats. i felt like telling her, don't worry i've got a chao high inertia, but i don't think that was a good enough arguement for her so i went to the front to sit with chingyan ):

then my whole waterbottle exploded again. thank goodness it was plain water this time. but i swear this time i felt more irritated than ever cos i was already upset before. had to clean up sitting down and everything with so little space. damm. everything was wet and i had a hard time ):

was one of the quietest excursion bus rides i ever had ): and seeing and hearing ppl laugh and have fun made it worse.

then hohum arrived at the museum. i think i was too in my own world. suddenly heard zhangmanli annoucned who doesn't have a group and i stupidly burst out, "张老师我没有组！” drats. don't know what made me say that to her cos normally i wuld have more comman sense. maybe i was just too... upset. cos i still tot kmy was angry at me and i was puzzled why. so then suddenly denise burst out, “他有组！” haha. zhangmanli got super amused and commented that i looked like i hadn't woken up today. lol. i think its becos of that + my family tee prob.

wandered around the museum. was quite dark and i tried to do the worksheets. well ended up handing it in incomplete. then i felt a little giddy cos i was walking round and round without knowing where i was going. sigh

i sat alone on the way back in the bus ):

band was good. she didn't come, so we had sectionals in the classrm. was quite slack. i found out that i can't reach high notes. haha. i want to be in 2nd! not 1st, shiying. well despite what regina said, i still want 2nd (:

i think we slacked really really much. the sec1s might be playing 3 songs out of 6 for the christmas concert. i saw the christmas scores. a joyous holiday, that holiday season and grease. joyous holiday looks okay, holiday season resembles sousa with a mixture of songs, grease looks... not too good. its 4 pgs long -.- but i think it sounds rather good (:

saw the trombone section memories book thingy. i was proud to have my birthday written big and fat on it. hahaha. was cos my birthday was the date of jubilate IV (:

friday.

went to sci centre. our class got split and i ended up doing physics. sigh. on the way there i sat with angelina. i was freaking tired and tried to sleep but she kept talking and talking. haha. then we arrived. went for physics workshop on forces. quite interesting with the experiments and stuff. i think we saw some of it in p6 already though. the boring parts i played bingo with iynhuii and yanlin (: got happy then cos kmy suddenly asked why i was angry. and i was like, 'huh? i thought you was the one who was angry." hahaha. kinda cleared up the misunderstanding. went to auditorium and had a lecture on hurricanes. i seriously liked e audi. it was so cool and steep. i slept through half of the lecture cos the seats were so comfy. :D

went to omni theatre after that to watch a flim on hurricanes. was quite good but made me very giddy.

on the way back, i insisted that i needed to sleep despite angelina pestering me to talk to her :D

drills. yay (: i missed drills
shiying, diana and olivia said they were sick and nt coming. but diana and olivia ended up coming afterall (:
drills was quite funny. me, diana and qixuan stood together and everything we did reminds me of the past the sect greens had together during drills. the time when our lines were so crooked after hanta-ing that qixuan had to hanta sideways. the way i was prone to moving forward that i started hanta-ing backwards. the way we marched was hilarious. the times with simin and ulyssa. that day's drills was good although i sweated like mad cos i was one of the few wearing blouse. haha. cos i hate my pe shirt ): tell me if i should wear size 40 or 38! i seriously need to get rid of my 44 asap. haha.

then we practiced. hmm....

i got a little pissed then. cos st nicks is seriously killing me. everything has to be paid paid and paid. now i have 4 more big things to worry about. squad tee, band uni, band camp and ____ funds. the prob is, i have to pay everything myself. why? if i told mum, 1. she'll suspect me of trying to cheat money out of her and question me like mad and i'll die of exasperation of trying to explain 2. she'll nag me like shit 3. she won't understand anything 4. i still won't get any money. so forget it. try explaining to mum the need of a class tee, squad tee, band camp. even worse, the need to pay money for ___ funds. i'll have to start saving up like mad. many people think that i get alot of allowance but seriously, it isn't enough. try paying for all your expenses ranging from breakfast to dinner to class funds, squad funds and all other funds, your squad tee, family tee and whatever, your stationery, your books and practically everything blah blah blah and you'll know what i mean. i even pay for my own clothes sometimes. bah.

greatest worry is ____. but i'm nt supposed to disclose.

i am very very upset over a matter.
band camp falls on the days of 6A gathering.

i am very very sad. why must it be such a coincidence? spot on. why must God make fun of me time and time again?
i've been looking forward to the 6A gathering/chalet party for such a long long time. for a whole year i've been anticipating it. at the same time, i'm also excited for swearing in and band camp. now i can only attend 1. i won't even enjoy the 1 i attend cos i'll be missing the other.
apparently, band camp is a must. i will miss the 6A-rians so so much. even more, the stayover clique. claudia, michelle, karen, elton, felix, jia han, alicia. I'LL MISS YOU LOADS. until next year in nov will i get to see you all again. our gathering is really really special and precious to me. i remember last year when we planned the whole thing together. the times we spent at the beach. the fun we had during the barbeque. the midnight feast, the time when we stayed up really really late to talk. the tears we had while we missed the teachers and cried over the fact we would never have a chance to make up to them for being so horrible sometimes during lessons. crying over our sad memories together. then laughing ourselves at being stupid cos a chalet gathering was supposed to be happy. I'LL MISS YOU PEOPLE LOADS )':

and this part is specially delicated to claudia. I'LL MISS YOU LOADS TOO ): although we see each other almost everyday at school, times will never be the same. i remember the turtles that we had together and played with in class. i remember the way we played and eat and chat during recess. our suicidal memories were unforgettable. the way we stressed over all our practice papers. the time when we watched rob-b-hood together with the others and cried like shit. the times spent together at beading class, or in 苏老师学堂. still remember the peach tea addiction :D when we went to out together, when we played maple together. i remember the chalet where we raided cheers for snacks and had a midnight feast. i remember your enormous watermelon lollipop (: and sleeping together on the same single bed during chalet. i remember the time we were so absorbed in playing monkey bars at e field until we both got serious blisters. nothing can replace the little time we had together ):

oh no i'm starting to tear

this is for elton. despite the fact that many people think that guys can never be good friends with girls, we are. you are also part of my peach tea addiction :D i remember how we used to wait for each other at the lrt station to walk to sch together. how i used to bug you to go to church. the time we had during odyssey, building the structure together. how you saw me cry when things didn't work out fine. how rumours spreaded about us ): ok we are still good friends, and wuld forever be. stop imaginating things all 6A-rians.

alicia. i remember you and i started off in P3 during the exam period cos i kept having to walk past your desk to get to mine. the times we had after school playing at the playground opposite the school. how we used to go about together in P3. quarrels over claudia and shiting and everything, but all of us still ended up as good friends (:

michelle and karen. i will never forget how we used to be so happy going home together, raiding cheers after school and snacking. another 2 ppl part of my peach tea addiction :D the jokes, the fun, the laughter. i'll miss all of that, esp now when i have to go home alone ):

felix and jiahan. haha i was never too close to both of you but i'll miss you all the same.

oh gosh. i'll miss all of you so so much i think i will really cry like shit remembering all this on band camp night ... )': was seriously considering escaping after swearing in but them i got remided that the gate will be locked and anyway there is no means of me getting to pasir ris in the middle of the night. i could call a cab and risk getting raped and murdered. even if i didn't mum would probably freak out if she knew.

i promise i'll save all my outgoing calls for nov so that i can phone you all at night. and i hope you'll all do the same

until nov 2008.... ):

life seems bleak suddenly ):
i must remain happy at band camp (:

i must not cry

well you'll never understand cos you're not me

well i think i've blogged to much. far to much. and sis is still not awake ):
i shall go out for dinner now.

random note: this post hit 2247 words! :D

God, spare me the misery

2007-10-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

i intended to blog loads and loads today but now i decided against it. it shall wait till tomorrow when the inspiration is there and i have all the time i want. and besides, i haven't cut my fingernails.

what has fingernails got to do with blogging loads? ok lemme tell euu. when you don't cut your fingernails, when you type it irritates you with clicking noises and nt to mention it feels uncomfortable. even worse for playing the piano. thus, i haven't practiced in 12 days since my last lesson and i predict that stephanie is going to murder me on sunday. i shall just concentrate on locating the nail clipper tomorrow. have been too lazy to do it for the past few days.

i feel weird, sad and random today

on weekdays when i have to sleep less, i can't.
on weekends when i want to sleep more, i can't too

STUPID SLEEP THING. ALL FOR THE SAKE OF $30

i'm beginning to think it isn't worth sacrificing my sleep for it
i will be very happy to say byebye to it on monday (:

and guess what? now i am feeling quite tired cos its been a long week, though only 4 days and without homework tests and all those nonsense. excursions and band + 3rd lang and all. nt too used to it. for the past 5 weeks i suddenly had alot of free afternoons cos of band/3rd lang stand down. ok now you might be thinking again what has being tired gotta do with what i'm posting. ok the problem is, i can sleep now. but if i sleep now, i will have to wake up at 6.15am tomorrow. which is a very unearthly hour for a saturday. thanks to the maximum 9 hrs of slp rule. oh damm that thing.

oh damm my fingernail prob is bugging me

shall post more tmr when i've finally located the long lost nail clipper

2007-10-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

my life is plain misery

don't you just agree that i suck?

God, why must you do this to me?

2007-10-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

bleugh

my life stinks
these 2 days have been ultimate boring-ness

asean fair on tues. BORING.
ok, maybe nt e 2nd part. but spend half a day listening to speeches after speeches.

prob based learning today.
wasn't really bad. quite meaningless and boring though

band on tues.

ms sia came but mr choy took e sec1s instead. THANK GOODNESS
and esther fixed my slide using valve oil. i came to a conclusion that i hate slide cream. but i think oiling it only fixes it temporary. well who cares as long as its working (: i rather buy a whole carton of valve oil and use it every band prac than go tell her.

so well, although i really should, i didn't tell her after all. and i'm still alive and kicking.

my trombone met its downfall today. again
it dropped. for the third time, in the hands of another.
and i almost cried

i don't know what else to say

stop testing my patience.

i'm dead beat and going to sleep
its been torture trying to sleep before 10.30pm everyday cos that's e latest i can sleep. just for the sake of hitting at least 6.5hrs ):

2007-10-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

I CANNOT BELIEVE TIME PASSES SO FAST AND ITS ONLY 1 MORE DAY TO DOOM. TO BE MORE EXACT, 30 HRS 20 MINS.

OH GOD HELP ME.

HOW AM I GOING TO FACE SIA

lots of things to post but today is e last day and later i have to go to amk hub with mum to meet kmy to pass her newspapers. and so as to nt waste a trip there me and mum decided to go shopping there. i have to finish 2 more 剪报s and then go to amk hub, then come home and start deco-ing. i haven't even thought of my title yet. hurmhhhhh.

I'M DREADING TMR. I WISH THAT I CAN JUST GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AND DIE AND SEE GOD IN HEAVEN

2007-10-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

JEAN CHAN GOT A BIG FAT CRUMPLER FOR HER BIRTHDAY

I AM SO JEALOUS

LAST YEAR WAS A BIG FAT NIKE BAG, THIS YEAR IS A BIG FAT CRUMPLER

ARGHHHHH

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2007-10-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

bleughhh i am supposed to be doing 剪报s now so that i can go bugis with kmy and maybe sarah tmr

i hate 剪报s >:(

e eldest sis decided to do this test on sleeping thingy for sgh. to put it crudely, be a guniea pig. rules are simple: you wear this stupid sensor thing on your hand like a watch everyday to tet your sleeping habits so you can't cheat. cannot take it off for more than 30mins, must record what time you sleep and wake up and if you take short naps, and you must sleep before 12am daily

drats.

not that it concerns me, but i decided to do it for her for a week, for a small fee of $30

ah well, she made the offer (:

its always good to have spare cash. and besides, i'm going broke.
i don't know where on earth did all my money go ):
and don't forget christmas presents

but always, a little sacrifice is needed.
sleep before 12am everyday. drats. that must be joan chan's famous-est record.
and then i can proudly announce

i slept before 12am for an entire week (:

haha.

and we have to wake up before 9am. which i no problem. the problem is, i must sleep at least 6.5hrs daily and not more than 9 hours

arghhh. there goes my irregular sleeping pattern. having to chiong whatever i have to do to get enough sleep on weekdays and forsaking my hibernating period on fridays to sat.

at least its only a week.
its worth it for the sake of my 30

the mother should just do it, seeing all three of us in e family have really weird sleeping patterns. correction. i don't think there is even a pattern. while the eldest is nocturnal, the second can be happy with a mere 3 hrs of sleep and i who sleeps irreguarly anytime, everywhere. but mum is convinced the sensor thing gives off radiation which will cause her to get cancer. how far fetched.

there is no piano today. lalala~
piano is getting more stressful. tehhhh.
but i still like piano and nice teacher stephanie (:

okok enough crap i must do 剪报 now ):

2007-10-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

well i am supposed to be doing 剪报s but apparently up till now i'm still slacking. shit myself. i must start chionging tmr and finish the last 3. and then must do e layout and deco on monday, and finally finish by pasting all e printed words, in courtesy of vanessa koh, on tues morning. and finally it's so long farewell to stupid 剪报s (:

3 more days to DOOM

i totally can't stand your irritable whining and endless complaining anymore

all those faults i've always overlooked
please don't take my silence for granted
its hard to come by

there's a limit to my patience.
which happens to be a very short one

2007-10-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

i'm scared of your reaction.

life would be so good now if there wasn't jap remedia, 剪报s to do and tues's band to dread.

i finally know the feeling of awaiting death.

and i'm sick of your attitude

2007-10-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

adding on to the misery, my jaw problem is back. i dun dare to open my mouth wide now lest i dislocate my jaw or something. damm. and it indirectly affects my ear when i move it. and my throat irritation is bugging me like what. and everytime i have a throat irritation it irritates my ears and nose too. sigh. too much dust mite around my room. i seriously have a big problem with my entire head.

2007-10-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

i can't stand my laptop anymore. its freaking laggy.

games carnival. started off feeling excited and nervous abt table tennis. haven't been playing for a long long time.
arrived at sch. had announcements abt e games carnival. turned out that e whole sch was having. i didn't know that it was such a huge affair.

so then me, kmy, denise, daphne, mayshuen, wanqi and patricia went to table tennis arena. i was quite miffed abt the way things went cos 1. they wern't following proper rules. 2. things were very very messy. there were 9 tables all competiting at e same time and ppl screamed and yelled and walked and sat around like nobody's business. as a result, there wasn't enuf space to move. gah. i swear the next time i shall participate in more games. i was pratically holed up in e tt arena nt being able to go anywhere cos the schedue was so disrupted and everything was so disorganized that we didn't know when we're supposed to play and blah. well then i played 3 matches, i think it was against charity, wisdom and loyalty. paired with daphne for charity and loyalty but paired with kmy for wisdom cos wanqi had to run off halfway for soccer. i lost to wisdom. i think it was really unfair cos we started late. gah. everything was really freaking disorganized. the empires were all missing like what and like we didn't go according to the normal 11-11 rule but we played for fixed time. which is unfair cos some ppl play faster and blah blah. for wisdon's match our empire was missing in e end patricia had to be. cos we started late, ended early. if nt our score wuld have ended up as 10-9 instead of 6-7. RAH. damm pissed. + the person i was playing against was diana and her friend. :S
mr phee kept stressing abt players being missing. for our case in table tennis its more like the empires were missing. *pissed*

after that loyalty, purity, justice and dilligence got into semifinals. i played semi with daphne against dilligence, which turned out to be shiying's friends :S was frigging nervous like shit. like everything was getting so real. i've never sweated so much or got that scared in a tt competition before. duno what happened. maybe last time i didn't give a damm abt rvps and whether i won or lost was my business. but now its like the whole of 1 justice was there rooting for us and screaming and doing kallang wave and blah. like i didn't want to let them down. well we won (: then we had finals which me and daphne didn't play cos we only needed 1 single and 1 double. and in e end 1 JUSTICE WON FOR TABLE TENNIS FINALS! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! YAY!
and we won 2ND IN OVERALL. YAY AGAIN!

but, i was disappointed.

i played like shit today. like a thousand times worse than my usual standard. maybe i couldn't stand e ppl screaming and yelling and walking/sitting around. it irked me alot. maybe i was nevous. i think i was fine when i was practicing with mayshuen and wanqi. i kept hitting out and blah during e real match and i even had problem serving. what was wrong with me lah... i feel so pissed with myself.
maybe cos i can't like push myself further cos those ppl that i was playing against was actually my friends. my fellow cohort mates, section mates. i didn't want to seem conceited or show-off. playing the match with ____ irritated me. why are ppl so concerned abt winning? okay maybe i am too, but doesn't she give a damm abt my feelings? why hate ppl who are competitive when you are one yourself?
i can feel the relationship among all of us straining and i'm bursting from keeping all their faults i've always overlooked.

random note.
why are ppl's minds so hard to fathom?

and its funny how i hate the attitudes of sports ppl when i used to be one myself. well, maybe its just cos i hate myself :D

i realised how many ppl or classes do i actually hate. i mean, nt really hate e class or person itself but the things that they do. sigh. i must start trying to look at things frm a different perspective and look at the better side instead.

and _____ have serious attitude problem. i don't like them.

i shall go and do 剪报s now
thanks vanessa koh for helping me print (:

random note: toothache ): i don't dare to go to the dentist... i rather you tell me its just becos my front teeth are growing at an alarmingly fast rate.

2007-10-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

feeling nt very accomplished, but fairly satisfied with what i did today.

i woke up in e morning at arnd 7.30 but slacked till 9. yeah. finished 2 more 剪报s before leaving to meet qixuan at amk hub at 1pm.

note: i hate it alot when ppl dun have e very impt sense of punctuality. its very irritating.

and then we shopped arnd. left for j8 at 2.20pm+. went to pasta mania for lunch. yummy baked rice (: i was so happy that for our student discount, the price for both of us went frm $18 to $13. nice. shopped more after lunch. i met elton and felix. envy them loads. they've like lost so much weight? yeah, good for them. and they still seem like best of friends... going home together and all. besides their appearence i think they haven't change much. they made me laugh, as usual. haha. i realised even more things, like how much i have changed. i realised that after coming to sngs i've lost my self esteem and my social skills. i've became more emo and sensitive, and also my patience limit is reduced, temper and anger raised. big changes. sigh. and bad ones too.

ok. went home. been slacking till now (:

in total, i've finished 7 剪报 (:

my plan is to finish the other 3 tmr. send it to vanessa for printing. ~~the other 7 i'll get jean to print it for me (:~~ no i can't anymore. i can't attach it to send to jean there's a stupid error. God decided to fool me again. sigh. i guess i'll have to get vanessa to print all of them. thanks so much vanessa! then i'll deco over e weekends and monday. (:

we're meeting to discuss 6A chalet gathering on sat. i seriously have objections to it. its still like damm early and everything, and the comm is like so big. and its like i don't think anyone gives a damm to my existance there. i dun like it when too much leadership turns into someone being bossy and domineering. yeah claudia and kar, you know who i'm talking abt.

i'm going to slp now. games carnival tmr, damm excited :D

2007-10-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

i'm prepared to post loads

so if you're nt interested hearing abt my boring life, i advise you to scram immediately.

lets start from monday

so i missed mum's birthday celeb. all thanks to home econs. i did it until like, 12am and then studied chengyu until 2.30am? great. i hate you. and no offence denise, but kmy is right. you won't understand cos euu wasn't e one who were doing like shit until past midnight, losing precious sleep all becos of this stupid project.

tuesday

shitty day. one of e most horrible days of my life.

starting in e morning. english paper came back. many people were upset. sorry kmy i know i'm terribly bad at comforting people. and then denise fainted cos she didn't eat breakfast. sorry denise too cos i'm also nt good at the aspect of caring openly for people but just wanted euu to know i was praying 4 euu and i cared. yeah. and then g.sim made things worse.

denise then went home. recess time was spent rushing home econs. yeah. and getting more pissed with someone.

c.lit was quite okay. had this competition thingy. i won a bag of m&m thanks to kmy who told me e ans to smth. actually i just tried my luck cos when i raised my hand prepared to give e ans, ppl started whispering and hissing other answers to me. haha. funny sight. i was damm confused and blur and when zhangmanli asked me whats my ans, i went like, "我不知道!我不知道!" rah.

home econs. did presentation. embarrassed myself and blah blah. i specially bought my pentel slicci for e presentation but forgot to show e pens in e end. sigh.

then kmy had a fever. sigh.

band. weiping and chengmei came back. nice of them. discussed squad tee.
then something very very bad happened

my trombone dropped onto e floor

it sounds ok when i'm saying this but you'll never know how i'll feel

i just placed it nicely onto e bench and went down to ask grace ho smth and then suddenly PIANG. i looked up to see a shocked diana and a trombone on e floor and it didn't take me long to realise whose it was. MY DARLING TROMBIE! the slide's damaged it won't slide properly anymore despite us trying to salvage e situation my applying liberal amounts of slide cream. ohmygosh. i wanted to just live with trombie and its damaged slide forever but obviously i can't. i wun be able to play anything. i tried. it made my arm ached like shit cos it was so hard to slide. i am so freaking scared i'm dreading band like shit on tuesday ms sia is coming and e whole band wuld be there i have to go tell ms sia i dropped my trombone and damaged it when i actually didn't cos it just dropped when diana stood up so it wasn't really my fault neither was it hers. i don't know. but i just can't tell ms sia, my trombone just crashed onto e floor for no reason right?

I'M SO SCARED.

i think i'll just die on tues. she'll probably skin me alive or smth. that time she already gave a severe warning when yuanlin dropped her saxaphone. i am dead. no, worse than dead. she wuld prob scold me like Godknowswhat and i will just have to let her scold me. and my poor trombone. i wish that a miricle wuld just happen and my trombie will be fine, alive and kicking on tues. no i'm being stupid its impossible. i am really really scared i don't know how to tell ms sia. oh God help me.

so so scared.

was a really really bad day for me and kmy.

yeah and i realised lots of things that day.

i am very qian 4 bian 3.
yeah. you're not wrong. i know that its a fact. i have a very dao and qian bian look. and i probably am. i'm unfriendly and unsociable, and to many, cold blooded. i don't deny that i'm nt cos i know that thats a fact.
but just wanted you all to know, its just cos i hate being extra. whenever i talk i feel extra. whenever i do something i feel extra. i keep thinking of what people wuld say or think about me if i do this or do that, or get angry with me, thus i do nothing at all. i now this probably irritates lots out there but i really can't help it.

i know i'm horrible at comforting others. i get scared when ppl get emo or cry. or get angry. i don't know. its weird cos i am emo and angry most of e time, yet i don't like people to be cos i'm nt good at comforting others. who am i to tell others to take things easy and chill when i can't do it myself? i don't know. really confused.

i just realised the roots of all my problems. i'm too sensitive.

new perspective from now onwards. i shall try to be as sociable and friendly and helpful as possible. afterall kmy's right, its better to be extra than to do nothing at all than be cold blooded. i can't stop people from saying things. this is the basic facts of life. i shall just do things to my instincts and stop being so sensitive. great.

yeah. and then i went home with qixuan. we were dismissed at like 6pm. so we walked to the shop nearby to get snacks and blah. by the time i reached the 163 bus stop it was arnd 6.20. i waited for 163 like for ages. wisely decided to check my phone for msgs.

5 messages.

all telling me to go vivo city at 7.30pm to celeb mum's birthday

great. i decided to phone jean who confirmed. and there i was just abt to board 163. dumb. and that was like, at 6.40pm. and i was stranded in the middle of yio cho kang road. how clever.

hopped onto 265 again to get to e mrt station. how stupid. if i checked my phone earlier i could have saved a load of trouble. by the time i got to e mrt it was 6.50. rushed to vivo, reaching there at like 7.25. yay (: to find that no one was there yet -.- walked arnd, visited candy empire but i was too broke to buy anything. nt to mention i was starving like mad. why? okay, on monday i had lunch at 5pm. missed dinner thanks to rushing home econs. then on tues i didn't eat breakfast, missed recess cos of rushing home econs again. lunch i ate only peach sago cos i had nt much time. so from monday 5pm onwards, i only ate a pathetic cupcake, peach sago, 1 weeny pack of m&ms and an ice cream. all e way till 8pm on tues night. yay.

i don't like it when ppl dun have sense of punctuality. ):

right. we went to sushi tei. food was quite good. and stop thinking just cos i learn jap i must be able to say everything i see and understand what others are saying.
reached home at 10.30. by that time i felt like dying. cos apparently i only had 3hrs of slp e night before.

ok today.

morning passed smoothly. well maybe not really. g.sim called me to go up to e staffroom to take smth after eng. when i came back to class everyone was gone ): without leaving a note. apparetly i was miffled. i momentary forgot what lesson we were having. 1st i thought it was maths. but i saw maths tbs in class. then i thought maybe mrs soh brought us to have a math trail trial. so i started touring e whole sch -.- then i rmb math was last period, so i thought it was chinese. visited zhangmanli's fave places like ava rm, all e c.studios i know of and library etc. couldn't find anyone. then i came up with a stupid inspiration. i rmb zhangmanli was teaching this stupid lesson on frying eggs and said one day she will ask us to fry eggs or smth like that. and i actually visited e home econs rm -.- then while i was walking arnd there i saw e science lab ans went "SHIT. STUPID ME NOW IS SCIENCE LESSON!" and there, finally i arrived at e mpr (:

recess. well sorry kmy i know you're angry and upset but i'm scared when ppl get emo though i am often emo. cos i'm bad at comforting and you probably know it. sorry ):

music. watched prince of egypt. nice and touching. and there was my fave song, when you believe (:

history. last lesson...
math. last lesson...

was quite sad actually. this whole year i've been wishing and wishing that the year wuld end quickily and the holidays wuld come. but now that lesosns are actually ending i'm sad. i don't want things to change next year. i'll miss all my teachers. nice ms law and how she makes hist lessons interesting. even more, mrs soh. i know i didn't use to like her cos she went to fast and was strict. i rmb the 1st lesson where she was listing all e rules of her lessons and they were like, so much. but i've came to like her after seeing zhangmanli's point. she's a great teacher. she seems cold outside but is actually very warm and caring to all of us. sometimes she's funny and makes us laugh. although she's strict with homework and stuff i know its all for our own good. she's a great leader. she works e hardest of all. i think she's e only sub tr who knows all of our names besides mrs kwan. she even knows our index number. she is such a great teacher and i'll miss her really really much.
and zhangmanli. although she's biased and like to praise herself and compare us with other classes, i know deep inside she cares for us loads. like our studies and when we fall sick. although she might nt be a great teacher but at least she tried hard to help us.
and there's ms lee and her funny geog and music lessons.
i miss mrs kwan too... i regret for nt being nice to her cos she was getting so sarcastic and irritating and boring but i realised that she was really nice. she never did scold us over homework or stuff and did her best to help us, although it wasn't very productive. i miss her really much now that i realised how much she cared.
and ms yee. such a nice chem tr. friendly, helpful and caring. i love her to bits.

sorry for the teachers i left out.

and then i went for 3rd lang.

and realised my jap eoy results

40/100

great. its going into my ppr. a big fat E8.
its going to pull down my final yr results like shit.

its nt like i didn't study. i studied like shit, even harder compared to all my review papers i studied for. i started studying since sept hols. i can't bear to see that all that i have studied didn't produce any results. but i think i did well for my final year paper. which was what pulled me up, CA5 did too. cos i failed CA1,2,3,4. yeah i know you must be thinking i'm very stupid. i think so too. why didn't i spend more time studying for the CA1,2,3,4? they were like, only 2 chapters each? finally till CA5 did i realise the better way to study and format and all and i passed. great. so what if i passed 1 CA? i still failed my final EOY resuls. the one that ends up in your ppr. God help me.

i'm seriously in shock. i knew i was going to fail but when the real thing comes, it hits you like a tornado. perhaps when the real thing hasn't come, you still cling on to the teeny bit of hope that you may pass, although you know jolly well you arn't. but at least there is still a little, no matter how small, bit of hope that a miricle might happen. now the real thing has come there's no hope anymore. i'm seriously... emo now. i studied like shit, how could i have failed? i thought my studying madly i could score in my final paper and salvage my horrible results for the other CAs. then during break, when all my other jap friends were happily celebrating their results, i was sent to remedia class to sit there in a daze instead.

i feel so stupid. this is e first time in my whole life i actually failed something that was going into my ppr. i don't mean tests or what but this is my final mark. something that cannot be salvaged by other test results. the 1st time i ever failed, got an E8. well maybe i should be grateful i didn't get an F9. but i can't help it. remedia. this was e 1st time i had to attend something called remedia. i felt so stupid, cut off from the rest of e sec1s happily having post exam activities, watching movies and having cultural activites and cooking lessons and whatever while for e rest of e lessons at moelc i am stuck having remedia. great.

and i realised another thing.

my existance doesn't really matter much to anyone.

i'm still dreadng tuesday.

if only miricles happen...

2007-10-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

damm tired. damm tired. damm tired.

words hurt.

the words kept ringing in my head. replaying itself over and over with malice. the more i remember, the deeper the hurt, the more the hate for myself.

i am one who doesn't always use words or actions as forms of comfort to others. instead i keep it to myself, pray and hope.

i've never thought you would think of me this way.
am i really like that?
i don't know. i don't even know myself

maybe thats the reason why... the reason for so many things.

i realised many things today
things that i rather not know

damm tired and sleepy like shit.

2007-10-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

i am really pissed

thats an understatement

"why do you keep letting your friends make use of you?"

i really don't know.

mum and jean have been telling me countless times. but i think i'm just too softhearted.

i don't know what else i can say anymore. i'm sick of this attitude. i can't stand them anymore. so many i'm prepared to scream and shout at, esp over pws, but nt doing so cos they're my friends. so what? friends don't make use of each other. friends don't take each other for granted. what do you treat me as?

i've tolerated for too long i can't stand it anymore.

all the time, asking me to do stuff for you, print stuff like ink is free, asking favours after favours with thankyous that are meaningless and insincere. i'm far too tired i think i'll just snap soon.

friends. what a fake word.

friends don't only summon you when they need your help. friends help you when you're in need instead.

friends don't take you for granted

not only materialistically.
what abt pws. just becos i'm your friend and wun scold euu or anything you all can just sit back and be irresponsible? just becos i'm your friend you can dump all e work to me? just becos i'm your friend you can make excuses and blah blah.

i'm sick of doing pws with irresponsible ppl. which unfortunately happens to me countless times. thank goodness kmy's almost always with me in pws, doing her part and helping me out. if nt i think i wuld just die. i can never forget asean and geog mapwork and so many other pws. those were horrible times i never want to repeat.

and now home econs.

haven't we already drafted out e job allocation properly? why can't you just thank e responsible ppl like kmy who bothers to draw out job allocations for everyone, giving everyone else e easier jobs while doing the harder ones themselves and do your job well. whats e point of doing some crap just to please us? it makes us even more furious. and you've got days, why can't you settle some problems yourselves instead of troubling us like shit? you keep thinking that since we're in charge, we shld be in charged of everything, including jobs you're supposed to do. we've even gotta settle your problems. what kind of nonsense is that?

why can't everyone just do their part, be responsible and everything will just turn out fine?
why can't you just be a little more considerate?

there's so much more i want to say but can't find the words. and i don't have anymore time. i haven't even started studying chengyus. have been doing home econs since 6.30pm and still nt finished yet.
i even missed mum's birthday celeb becos of home econs

there's a limit to my patience. and this limit happens to be a very short one.

even if i am your so called friend.

2007-10-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

i hate myself

my chengyu book is still missing. had to run to popular to get another one. $3.40 after discount. what a total waste of my money. GAH. DAMMIT

bad day i guess. mum's karoke friends coming over for a party. its going to be a VERY VERY NOISY one seeing it involves many people and karoke. damm. how am i going to study in peace...

yeah. i walked arnd amk hub and compass pt trying to look for presents with this barcode stuck inside my bag. beeped like crazy everytime i entered a sensored shop. my bag got scanned and checked everytime it happened. i got fed up that i decided to go home without getting anything -.-

and stupid pizza hut decided to train their trainees there when i was eating. they were taught how to clear dishes frm customers. then the stupid supervisor told her two trainees to stand by my table (there wern't many ppl eating considering that it was like 5pm, nt dinner nt lunch) and wait for me to eat finish and clear my dishes. PLEASE. being a very slow eater, i had to munch and chew with 2 ppl observing me waiting to pounce on my dishes e moment i was done. intimidating feel. thus, was sad to say i didn't enjoy my lunch very much. it wasn't excatly peaceful.

i gotta rush home econs today. i've to say honestly, i'm nt pleased with it at all. nope.
why can't some ppl be a little more responsible, do their job well and everyone wuld just be happy?

joan is pissed once again with grp work.

and i haven't settled my 剪报 printing problem.

2007-10-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

shit you Joan just go and die and rot and decompose

the feeling of having so many things to do, yet nt able to do anything is so horrible

i have to finish all my 剪报s by wed, meaning by tues night, so that i can get it printed at e sch library.
but i left all my newspaper cuttings in sch.
DAMM

i have to do my math homework
but didn't bring home my graph paper
DAMM

damm me shit me.
i can just start digging my own grave

2007-10-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

great time for my printer to conk out
the time when i need it the most
GREAT. with 10 剪报 writeups to print and a enormous home econs pw

shit me and the printer.

NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO

and i hate asking ppl to print stuff for me cos i hate it when ppl ask me to print stuff for them repeatedly. esp when they seem to take it for granted and ask time and time again, and even better, dare to give me attitude.

and i shall officially die tmr trying to rush home to have birthday lunch with mum, dig for birthday presents, rush home econs pw, go for mum's birthday celeb and hlp entertain her many karoke friends and die of deafness, study 70 chengyu's like shit and God knows what else

and 剪报 on friday

AHHHHHHHH

2007-10-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

quick post before i gtg scoot off for piano

lots of things to do. after reviews i thought i culd slack and take a break. got a rude shock when i happened to wisely peer into my diary. my 10 剪报s are due this fri. i've only done 5 and don't even mention e deco and presentation. and then there's e 70 成语 test this tues and i can't study at all cos my book is missing. i suspect its in my locker so i gotta check tmr. i do hope its there. and home econs pw is due this tues. damm. thank goodness this thurs is a holiday for me to chiong my 剪报s. but i already promised qixuan to go amk hub and bishan to eat and shop. damm. maybe i'll have to cancel it. so sorry qixuan! and then mum's birthday celeb is tmr and i haven't gotten her a present. damm. jean's present too. i've unwisely offered to foot e bill of our early birthday lunch, which is a total of $37 +. i'm totally broke now.

yeah. back frm piano. didn't have time to finish posting ):
stephanie seemed moody and glum today. nt like her usual self. ):

like i mentioned, i'm extremely busy. and jap is starting again this wed. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me not be in remedia class. although there's already 99% chance of me having to go. ARGHHHHH. why must my jap be so horrible?

i must start working immediately.

2007-10-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

i took a long long time to figure out greensleeves. and then trying to write it out in base clef and with the right timing and all. just to find that i had to liquid paper away all the clefs cos i drew treble clefs instead. how dumb. sigh retards wuld always be retards. now my original copy of greensleeves look like shit. i hope it'll be alright after i've photocopied them. but it dioes still look like a big mess. SIGH.

i'm convinced that there's a phone connection prob between me and kmy. my smses disappears halfway sometimes. for many times already. how sad

have yet to find my chengyu book that i misplaced ages ago. damm. i can't bear to waste money buying another one.

still fretting over undone home econs pw.

i have to start working now. its not time to slack yet.

2007-10-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

feeling bored and loney at home. again

facing 4 walls is nt fun.
hearing silence is nt fun
doing nth is nt fun

i shall post some pics of e section minus olivia that we took on thursday

diana e zilian :D

diana n shiying

sect greens (:

gloom ):

gosh i look horrible

i must find time to update my friendster photos ):

shall go tackle moutains of work now ):

2007-10-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

told myself to be very very positive today

i shall try hard

started off the day with maths. i decided that mrs soh is a very very good teacher. nice and funny. she teaches really well. although maybe a little too fast sometimes, but thats just to keep us up with the syllabus

only had 1 free period then cos of some agreements between mrs soh, ms fazi and the free period relief tr.

then pe. i realised that pe is now less noisy. when we just started playing softball teeball whatever ball we always screamed and yelled like shit. started on proper pitching which isn't that bad after all.

recess

science. watched video.

e.lit. watched video of romeo and juliet. JULIET IS SO SO PRETTY (: and romeo is rather shuai too lah. but e movie abit stupid. ppl dressed in beach hawaiian clothes yelling in shakespearen language. weird sight

chinese. zhangmanli commented abt our chinese essay competition. she mentioned the essay i wrote abt geraldine sim and said quite alot of funny things i didn't really understand. said that my story was good but my 文凭 or whatever was bad. yeah i know my chinese writing sucks like shit. and well just cos she thought i was very frank cos i wrote abt sim. i only wrote that cos at that time i was really really really very angry and pissed at sim for asking me to check eng files and all i could think of was that. started talking abt my ppr and e comments she wrote abt me. crap
then we had a chengyu game thingy. she wuld ask ppl to go up to e board and write. everyone wanted to kill me cos zhangmanli gave me a super easy one, "发扬光大" :S . well i don't think thats a good sign cos e only reason she gave me an easy one is cos she knows my chinese sucks ):

ohno i'm starting to be negative ):

went home with weiting and grace (:

on a more disheartening note, theres alot of things to be done. and i'm currently feeling quite sad and depressed. perhaps i've been facing too many problems lately. well, i think most of e problems exist because of me. maybe i think too much into things. well i should seriously do smth to change my perspective about things and life.

piano tonight. betta go do smth abt my melodic minors.

its time to chill. stop thinking so much, Joan.

2007-10-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

problems, problems and more problems

not only do i have to worry about my problems, i've gotta worry abt others's too

was feeling deeply troubled today. the kind of feeling where you want to scream and rant and cry like shit but nt being able to. so many things to say but never finding the right words to express them.

and the return of many review papers did nth to make me feel better

well, i've gotta admit i'm pretty happy over math. except for the fact that i threw marks away cos of e positive/negative stuff. and i actually forgot to do 1 question. how dumb is that?

sciences. well at least i passed everything. but it sure is unfair. the things that i studied for i score badly, the things which i didn't study so much i get better marks. thats plain dumb. i studied like shit for physics and got so low. threw away marks like rubbish. made many calculation errors and stupid acceleration mistake getting the wrong formula. dumb me. and bio which i studied much less and expected to fail i actually didn't. that was plain luck. i'm convinced that i'm good at writing rubbish. i love structured questions. i just dump in a little facts i know and the rest garbage and i score. nice. and i like writing. i'm good at writing nonsense (:

well... at least band made me feel a little better. ms sia didn't come so we were like slacking. went at arnd 3 to prac. then we got bored and started writing down the notes for the titanic (: we tried greensleeves but failed ): then we started laming out by taking lots of stupid pics and diana and shiying were doing wacky things :D

but got rather down again while going home. and now.

problems.

when will they ever end?

2007-10-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

do you believe in Murphy's Law?

according to this whoever person called Murphy, he says in his Law that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
so you shld nv do anything last min.

i believe in Murphy's Law.

at least it makes more sense than Newton and his complicating laws of gravity.

i finished doing e art pw cover pg and ingredient list for ice kachang at e last min
suddenly my printer went out of ink
LUCKILY i had kept extras. took out an ink cartridge and loaded it into e printer.

printer went...

"zzzzzzzzz....." (normal reaction)
"TIAK TIAK TIAK"
"printer are you okay?"
"TOK TOK TOK TOK"
"BRRRRRMMM"
joan gets impatient
"bang bang" taps gently on printer
"BROOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM PIAKKKKPRRRRRIAAKKKKKKKBRPPPPPPPPPP GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH"

i got damm scared and tore out of the bomb shelter
after awhile the deafending noise stopped
but the printer had conked out -.-

great job Joan
why do you keep making a muck out of simple things?

my poor 5 yr old printer is finally dead
i might consider getting a printer-scanner after this
i think my scanner is going haywire too

thank goodness boon came along and helped me print (:
if nt i wuld be dead meat tmr

stupid pws. stupid ice kachang. cause so many problems
kmy! dun feel so upset lah...
i reconize your contributions and effort (:

i must go to sleep now

2007-10-03T19:10:00.000-07:00

why is life so unfair?

the tumour turned out to be cancerous

3 more months.
even with radiology, 5 more months

i can't understand why. why is God so unfair towards some?

behind my mother's calm manner, i could tell that she was extremely upset.

and behind my indifferent words, the emotions were whirling inside me

and speaking of my own life.
i can hardly stand it anymore
she's never dressed appropriately. bottom to high, top to low. puhlease. this is a school for heaven's sake.
lessons were nt bad, though tried very hard nt to fall asleap.

life is seriously unfair.
got back our hist paper today
25/40
while some ppl only studied in e morning just before e test, they could get so high marks. when others study like shit until they start crying and screaming and get totally conked up they get shitty marks. like me
with jap oral and paper and geog that wk, and coming hme at 7.30pm e day before e hist review, i had to study and cram like total shit and mug like my life depended on it and threw away hours of precious sleep.
and i ended up with shit marks
isn't life plain unfair?

stayed back after school till 5 to do some work.

random note. Joan loves understanding people
i hope i didn't hurt anyone with my harsh words and cold attitude today.

trashed with lots of pws now

still stressed like shit

this is how horrible life is

2007-10-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

eventful day

well reviews are finally over and cca is back. i think i wun do well for bio but well what is done is already done. i guess the end of reviews doesn't make much of a difference i'm still as tied up as usual except maybe for jap. well i can't wait for e hols now. heehee

i went all kee siao yest nite after trying to study for bio, laughing like a retard and squealing, 'I'M SO EXCITED AT THE PROSPECT OF HAVING ANOTHER CHANCE TO PULL UP MY HORRIBLE SCIENCE GRADES TOMORROW!!!"

english was shit today
well its becoming mutual hate now. but i think the intensity of my hate is worse. well i really can't stand her anymore. arghhhh. anw, its byebye on wk 5 (: lets just hope we wun see her on enrichment weeks too

chinese was doing this frying egg thingy

70 成语s to learn by nxt tues
God bless me

i was pratically sleeping during c.lit
ever tried wanting so so badly to sleep, your eyelids heavy and dragging downwards, yet nt being able to. its torturous. extremely.

band! i miss band. whee
i thot sia was going to come so i skipped lunch to go prac, to find out that sia wasn't coming. we prac till 3.45 and then went to e mep rm to try on band uniforms. it took a whole 2.5 hrs.

i look like a total toot in it
but the trying was fun. and funny

random note. my mum just bought this box of FANTABULOUSLY DELICIOUS blueberry and macadamia nuts cookies frm The Cookie Museum in explanade. which are SUGAR FREE, NO EGGS, NO COLOURING, FLAVOURING OR PRESERVATIVES. damm healthy. and DELICIOUS. but EXPENSIVE too! $30 for 500g! but it is so DELICIOUS DELICIOUS DELICIOUS! OMG I AM SO IN LOVE WITH IT!

i wan go finish my math hw and go to sleep

frigging sleepy.....

2007-10-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

talking to kmy makes me happy (:

2007-09-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

despite how busy i am, i have to post this

i feel like banging my head into e wall now. nt that i need any additional physical pain

today had been a total wreck. i'll post more after my sciences.

well now i'm struggling with physics and chem. i'm going crazy. my printers going out of ink after printing tons of physics notes. and then TADAH when i start revising i realised that half the notes i printed were already in my sci file. GREAT JOB JOAN WHAT A GOOD USE OF NATURAL RESOURCES. well you should just hang yourself and go die. before that, go apologize to the trees.

i'm going totally insane

i can forget abt sleeping tonight

2007-09-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

damm my internet's history has been cleared unknowingly and now all my web adderess are gone cos i can't depend on my terrible memory to remember them. shit.

i'm feeling a deep sense of lost and emptiness.

bored and lonely.

i should get started on studying for sciences

ms yee warned that chem will be very hard. and physics is prob my most horrible sub.

i think its time i gave up on jap. i really don't know

jap's post eoy activites start on 10oct.
enrichment wk on wk 6 and 7
hope they'll be fun

i hope band nxt wk wuld be fine too
i'l so going to die cos i haven't prac for 2 whole wks

4 more wks to go.

i can hardly wait

or maybe not

2007-09-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

mixed feelings today

was late for sch. again
oh yay. and today, for the 1st time, i was marked late
how terrific
its going into my report bk its gonna be on record i am officially dead and my schooling history is tarnished for life
i felt pissed with the stupid cab i called for cos instead of the main lobby which i asked for e cab went somewhere else. if i didn't call a cab i wouldn't been late cos there were cabs at the taxi stand and i was waiting for the stupid called one to arrive. stupid.
but well, i can only blame myself for waking up late. again.
and cab fare cost me $9+. shit i am officially broke now
more impt, my record is tarnished
shit yourself joan just go and die

but thank goodness zhangmanli didn't scold. i think she pitied me for some reasons. well and i think she's rather biased to patricia. she scolded and nagged patricia like shit and kept digging up that issue

anw well ppl who's parents are there to wake them up or fetch them to sch wuld never understand. esp ppl who live near sch. unlike me.

sigh.

but then i was happy becos lessons were good. did construction during math. was fun. did drama during e.lit. was fun too. pe was softball. nt really very good cos now we are starting on pitching which sucks cos my aim sucks my pitching sucks and my fielding sucks. well who cares. but at least wasn't stressful.

then mrs soh took over sci period. good, bio is freaking boring. and since we were doing fun construction, it was perfectly alright. then 2 free periods, did my colour swatches for art. then zhangmanli's period was writing compo. we had this dumb competition and had 8 topics to choose. all topics were good. i decided to write on '我藏在心中的话语' or smth. i think i wrote out of point but who cares. i wrote abt ms geraldine sim. hoho. i got very agitated while writing. x)

yeah, speaking of geraldine sim i am freaking pissed. told me to prepare e files by 2pm. fine she didn't appear. all e way up till 4.30pm the files were still there and i know cos i was in class. right up till the uncle chased us out and locked the door, she still didn't come and the files were still there. just as well i haven't gotten to checking e files yet. in e 1st place i don't even know how to check them. well i really am pissed. stupid and unreasonable. i can't stand it anymore.

i just remembered i have a piece of chocolate toast still in class. drats

ok that was random. i stayed back till 5 to do work and eat. basically, me kmy and wenxin went to canteen to have lunch at 3. chatted and eat and went back to class at arnd 3.45 and wenxin left. did work till 4.30 when uncle chased us out. went to e canteen to do more work and left at 5.
i finished all my math homework! yay!
i can study peacefully for sciences without worries during e weekends (:

after that i went to plaza. wanted to go daiso to get a file and find a box for e sect greens. so yay! i found e box. and another file. but now i regret loads for nt buying another box cos this one seems too shallow. well shall go nxt fri cos there is no band on dat day again (:

i am proud of myself for saving money for binding my books. instead, i put my essensials, irecommand and 3d band books into files. yay! and somemore e files are cheaper than binding. yay! and they are reusuable! yay!
only thing is that e files are too thick. i mean e spine. boo ):
well at least they're cheap and good (:
the box/tray for e sect greens too (: shall get 1 more nxt wk.
thus, i am quite happy (:

i bought 3 small chocolate frm cocca trees after that (:
e salesperson must have thought i was crazy

another random note.

i hate e tuna i bought it is full of oil and yucky i can taste oil and its pukerish and slightly bitter i just feel revolted. i shal never, ever buy that kind of tuna ever again.

whee. i shall go to slack now

2007-09-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

ok i didn't went to sleep

but i am happy becos i slacked like shit (:

sorry shiying! still owe euu a bday present! ):

i really must sleep now

the stupid chinese work can wait till tmr morn x)

2007-09-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

life makes sport of men

math paper was okay. thankfully. but NO CALCULATOR. but well doing rough working was alright. great.
although i think i'm nt going to score well cos i made alot of mistakes ):

finally i can take a breather. till sciences nxt mon and tues. i shall only start studying on sat and sun. tut tut, bad me. alright. maybe i shall start tmr. but i really need a break today.

i'm feeling awfully sleepy and still owe birthday presents and gotta finish up a chinese ws. but i shall still post lots. i've got alot of feelings, and keeping them to myself will only make me madder than i already am. maybe the reason why i haven't gone totally retarded and insane is becos i don't keep feelings to myself.

ms geraldine sim. i hate her. extremely
please what kind of teacher is she?

ok, i collect all e worksheets which is e normal job of a sub rep. but e prob is, SHE DOESN'T EVER MARK THEM. you know frm wk 1 up till now, all the work that we've done is all lying there neatly stacked and unmarked on her table? its been 3 wks since she arrived and her table is still... just a table. i mean, look at all the tables of the hardworking teachers. and she tells us to do work without marking. this is just a ploy to waste our time. what nonsense

and nt to mention, she didn't appear at all on our 1st el lesson of the term. fine. nt only she didn't come she appeared the nxt day NT EVEN APOLOGISING OR ANYTHING. this is pissing. and you know, the whole of wk 2 she was missing and just gave us some rubbish homework, 1 of which was a graded assignment WHICH SHE DIDN'T EVEN EXPLAIN OR TEACH OR ANYTHING AND JUST DUMPED OUT SOME INSTRUCTIONS FOR US TO WRITE A STUPID THINGY AND HAND IT IN AND ITS GRADED. and nt to mention, 2 more pieces of stupid descriptive essay writing. please. and our EL REVIEW TEST WAS THAT WEEK AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN PREPARE ANYTHING OR TEACH US ANYTHING OR REVISE ANYTHING BEFORE THAT AT ALL. ohhhhhh she boils my blood.

and nt to mention, this is already wk 3 we are still doing descriptive writing. and she didn't even mention anything about our EL review. *pissed pissed pissed* and you know whats next? up till now she doesn't even reconize me as e eng rep and still doesn't know my name. horrible. forget abt e name, she doesn't even reconize me. what kind of a teacher doesn't reconize her own helper?

ok, this is one of the worst. she suddely announced on wed to hand in our el files e nxt day. WHEN SHE DIDN'T EVEN INSTRUCT US ON HOW TO FILE IT. then she changed her mind cos she was too lazy to check e files and just told e 5 chosen ppl to hand in. ok, fine with me. i was thinking, great even better, i don't need to file my stuff in like, 1 day when that day was my jap written paper AND math review was e nxt day. and you know what, nt only she didn't instruct us how to file our new stuff, who's going to check e 5 ppl's files before they're submitted to e sch? ME. MEMEMEMEME WHEN ITS NT EVEN E JOB OF E ENG REP TO CHECK FILES. PLEASE IF THE WHOLE CLASS HAD TO HAND IN AM I GOING TO CHECK 37 FILES? I TELL YOU I HATE MS SIM TO THE END OF THE EARTH I'M GOING TO HATE HER FOR E REST OF MY LIFE. THINKING THAT I CAN TAKE A GOOD BREAK AFTER MATH REVIEW, SHE GIVES ME 5 FILES TO CHECK. WHEN THAT IS HER JOB. AND YOU KNOW WHATS WORSE, NT LIKE SHE DOESN'T HAVE E TIME TO CHECK, I SAW HER AND MR WHATEVER E NEW MALE ENG TR CHATTING AND LAUGHING IN E STAFFROOM WITH NTHING TO DO ON THEIR DESKS. I AM VERY VERY PISSED. THERE I AM COLLECTING HW LIKE SHIT NOW EVEN HAVING TO CHECK FILES AND SHE IS SLACKING AND ENJOYING LIFE. NT EVEN MARKING OUR HOMEWORK. WHAT KIND OF TEACHER IS THIS? THE EVEN BADDER THING IS, WITH A TEACHER NO ONE RESPECTS, NO ONE BOTHERS TO DO THEIR WORK OR HAND IT IN ON TIME. ESP WHEN ITS E SUB REP THAT COLLECTS IT. IN THIS CASE, ME. I CAN'T STAND GERALDINE SIM ANYMORE I HARE HER LIKE SHIT. ARGHHHHHHH

and i haven't touched on e way she acts, dresses and carries herself.

actually there are other things i want to talk about but i am really tired.
shall do so during my 2mth break.

mum promised me a shopping and eating spree e 1st 2 wks cos i am most free those wks, and while pri kids are still in sch.
i'm worried.
thats 1 of the things i want to talk about
maybe tmr

i am going to sleep
byebye

2007-09-27T05:08:00.001-07:00

ok i didn't went to sleep

but i am happy becos i slacked like shit (:

sorry shiying! still owe euu a bday present! ):

i really must sleep now

the stupid chinese work can wait till tmr morn x)

2007-09-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

i know i shouldn't be blogging and should be studying but i can't help it i'm feeling awfully sick mentally i think i'm nt right esp these few days i keep feeling homesick for no reason i just want to go home snuggle into bed be a kid all over and pretend that everything is fine i feel very very scared i think i'm suffering frm depression as i most of the symptoms of depression tan lee lee listed i'm scared of life i just want everything to be fine but that never happens in school i want to go home so badly my stomach aches of empty longing but when i'm at home i still don't ever feel right i think a chunk of me and my life is missing i'm getting sick and depressed okay joan now shut up get a grip on yourself and get on with life you've got a math review tmr sciences papers nxt wk and home econs ad pw due and on wk 5 you've got your home econs ppr pw and then there's jian baos to be done and then jap classes and band pracs and so so many more things to do joan cmon pick yourself up and move on stop thinking of nonsense of things that cannot happen stop feeling homesick or whatever you're feeling and GET ON WITH LIFE

i'm nt feeling right now

2007-09-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

today was indeed weird
well blah blah blah blah blah

gutair test sucked. my strumming produced weird squeaking noises weiting suspected a hamster was hiding in e gutair. i just anyhow just strum strum strum whatever i liked which sounded horrible. okay. well fine i just know i'm gonna get a B. well at least its nt a C. who cares. i've got better things to worry about

example. my jap paper

great. i was falling dead asleap. struggling nt to made it worse. i started making unsightly pen marks and lines and scribbles whatever on my paper cos i was so drowsy and had to take time to liquid it off. after it disappeared i would start scribbling rubbish again. shit myself
and i went to sleep for 5mins before listening started
listening sucked. compo sucked
the compo was, 'my school'. something i never expected cos it was one of e compo topics we wrote about for practice. oh well. i've totally forgotten all i wrote e last time. this time was total freak.

"my school is big"
"my school has a library"
"my classroom is on the 2nd floor"
"i like my teacher. i like my friends. i like my school"

choked full of lame stuff.

running out of stuff to write but nt yet hitting the word limit, i resorted to...
"school hours are 7.30am to 2.30pm, recess is from 10.30am to 11.15am, lunch time is from 2.30pm to 3.30pm, cca hours are 3.30pm to 6.30pm"

-.-

and you know what
God decided to irritate me again
i was sitting happily in e bus on e way home when my darling waterbottle decided to explode, spilling a whole bottleful of milo in my bag.
great. now all my textbooks, pencil cases, umbrella, blah blah are drenched in milo. worst still, me
i was sitting in e bus, putting my bag on my lap cos of nt wanting to dirty the bus (how considerate). milo dripped steadily from my bag, drenching my pinafore, dripping down my legs. how unsightly. if milo was red i would have look like i miscarriaged. how gross
i had to get down the bus to clean up, which took me so long i missed 2 more busses in e process. nt to mention, wasting my busfare.

and when i got hme, instead of jumping straight to study i had to wash my bag and clothes, wipe and blow dry my books and blah blah blah

how terrible

i should be studying. math tmr. then sciences nxt wk. yay. i shall slack and sleep like a pig tmr and only start studying for sciences on fri or sat. nt to mention, mohana's advertistment project. *GROANS*

off to work

and i'm dreading the start of band practices cos by the time they start, it would be 2 whole weeks since i touched my instru. ):

2007-09-26T03:30:00.000-07:00

its now 3.30am in the morning

*grins* :D

i am awake trying to cram in more jap

my mind works better early in the morning after some sleep (:

last night, studying like shit, i felt so dead and drained out that when kmy called she thought i had just woken up :S

sadly, i'm getting distracted by the temptation of going to the kitchen to cook myself a decent breakfast for once ): there are frozen waffles, chocolate milk, sausages, cheese, bread, tuna, ritz biscuits, eggs etc etc in the fridge

if you're wondering, no i'm nt so lucky as some ppl out there whose parents prepare breakfast for them.

and its a rare thing to see so many uncooked delicacies in our fridge

ohnonono. i shall do that on saturday. if the food is still frozen and intact

back to studying

i can predict today will be a weird day

2007-09-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

jap oral sucked. sucked sucked sucked sucked

passage reading. was so nervous i forgot how to read almost all of the words. FAIL

self intro. hesitated alot. FAIL

question and answer went abit like...

teacher: blah blah blah blah blah?
me: i don't understand. i don't know.
teacher: blah blah blah blah blah?
me: i don't understand! i don't know!
teacher: blah blah blah blah blah?
me: I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I DON'T KNOW!

"what kind of school is st nicholas?"
"st nicholas is a big school"

"do you like your school?"
"yes, i do not like my school"

"where is your school?"
"7.30am to 2.30 pm"

oh shit me. Joan why don't you just go and die.

for the rare questions i understood, i replied rubbish cos i got all my grammar structures mixed up
yeah. and i happily replied my birthday wrongly. mixing up my pronuncation and may got misheared as september. 11th misheard as 22nd. wth. my birthday became sept 21 and the teacher got all excited.

3 down. 2 more to go for this week

anw, hist test sucked too
i got like EVERYTHING except chang an wrong for mapwork
structured questions were shit
mcq was more of guessing game
fill in e blanks was nonsense

"majaphahit empire used wushu as a form of martial arts"
how smart joan

my jaw hurts like shit. can hardly chew hard, yawn or laugh.
i'm scared that it'll be dislocated cos mum keeps scaring me every min of my life my telling me not to open my mouth wide.

"horrible tone! lower your jaw! more support! LOWER YOUR JAWWWWWWW"
i can almost hear sia's voice drilling into my head
7 more days to DOOM

i want to sleep very very badly

2007-09-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

shit myself. today was horrible

started off the day feeling depressed and homesick. well, don't ask me why cos i don't understand me myself >:(

went through recess trying to mug and mug last min geog like shit

geog test sucked. everything i studied more for didn't come out, and everything i studied less or didn't study came out. well, its always like that for almost all my tests. what lousy luck i have

and there was this stupid black black picture. and they asked us to identify the thingy. then the nxt part asked what are the advantages and disadvantages. well i first thought of a delta cos thats the only thing e black pic reminded me off. but looking at e part abt advantages and disadvantages, i cleverly wrote

floodplain

6 marks gone. down into the drain where it belongs

well, changes occurs everyday in my life

sadly, i am a person who cannot adapt to changes

its back to the square one. i was rather skeptical about it and to me, it seemed that she still hated me. i can forgive, but i don't think i am ever able to forget. esp through such deep and hurting incidents. the pain kept shooting through me. i'm trying, really hard. but it really seems to be that she still detest me. well i can't do anything about it, just to be more open minded and less petty. Joan, forgive and forget. hate brings about more unhappiness

i was pretty confused. and still am. but i decided to drop it. afterall, i should respect her own privacy over her personal matters. i'll just take it that all of us are tired of all this hate and decided to open up and start all over again. its not a bad thing either. hate and unhappiness is bad for the heart, mind and soul. i guess me and that person would prob never be as happy together as we were, or the three of us will never be like the same before. i'll just hope that person reads this, and i want to tell her, i've stopped hating. please stop hating me too. and lets all just try to be like before. i really miss those times.

i didn't regret my decision nt to pon jap today
it was our last lesson with poon

this part is delicated to poon

thanks poon for teaching us over the past 9 months. all that you know, helping us in every way you could. you were not smiley, neither were you friendly. yet i knew deep down you actually care for us and want the best for us. you taught us well although you were strict and boring. although your words are fierce, sarcastic and sharp, i know that you only meant to teach us. thank you poon. or maybe for once, i shall show some due respect and say, arigato sensei

right. i must mug for hist and work on jap oral now

2007-09-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

as i struggled with the math mock paper, i realised that i hadn't absorbed anything abt math into my brain this yr

and all mum can do is to croon about her new skirt

i wonder how will i survive this week. and the next. and next year. and the year after. blah blah

perhaps ii wouldn't even live to see christmas

2007-09-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'VE HAD ENOUGH STOP GETTING ME TO MUG

so what if its only 2 chapters, weather&climate and rivers. THERE ARE SO MANY SUBTOPICS. STUPID MAPWORK. RAINFALL AND WIND AND TEMPERATURE AND WHATEVER THE RUBBISH. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I DON'T WANT TO MUG ANYMORE.

ONE AFTER ANOTHER. I'VE HAD ENOUGH

I PASS 1 TEST. ANOTHER ONE COMES. I STRUGGLE TO PASS. I PASS. YET ANOTHER ONE COMES

I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING FOR WHAT I WANT BUT DOESN'T BELONG TO ME

I'M SICK OF THIS

I'VE HAD ENOUGH

I'M BORNED STUPID. WHY SHOULD I STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE TO MUG AND STUDY EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE LIKE SOME IDIOT FOR THE SAKE FOR MARKS AND GRADES. SO WHAT IF I'M IN SPECIAL, I DON'T BELONG THERE AND I SHOULD BE BOOTED TO NORMAL TECH. STOP MAKING ME STRUGGLE LIKE SHIT. THATS NOT THE LIFE I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE. I'M STUPID AND I SHOULDN'T BE IN ST NICKS WITH ALL THE CLEVER PEOPLE. I HAVE NO RIGHTS TO TAKE 3RD LANG AND SHOULD BE KICKED OUT. I DON'T BELONG HERE.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE

i'm really tired

2007-09-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE

i love people who make my day by being nice

and oh ya. random note. thanks vanessa, erica, nienping and sarah for the lovely belated birthday present (:

and i haven't thanked kmy for her cute eyeore jar (:

and claudia for her big fat sotong (:

GO JOAN! MUG MUG MUG!

2007-09-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

OH NO JOAN CHAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING !!!

YOU SHOULD BE MUGGING! NOT GAMING !

WHY ARE YOU BACK TO ICY TOWER AND MAPLESTORY !!!!

NO JOAN! NOT UNTIL THE 29 OF OCTOBER

oh nonono... i miss maplestory so so much i'm back to it
i don't know what made me redownload it

OH NO NO NO NO NO

WHAT AM I THINKING !!!

2007-09-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

dad always likes to start a convo by commenting on my msn nick

mine currently reads:

JOAN ' SLACKER. ;God, i need you i'm sorry but i don't feel your presence

our convo

Peng Woo says:
hello

JOAN ' SLACKER. says:
hello

Peng Woo says:
God had a message for you

JOAN ' SLACKER. says:

JOAN ' SLACKER. says:
haha

Peng Woo says:
he said he is busy with the people who really need him at this moment

JOAN ' SLACKER. says:
haha okay....

Peng Woo says:
he said you are strong enough to handle all the situation

JOAN ' SLACKER. says:
haha

anyway, i'm really quite happy now
something someone msged me made my day

back to life. i'm back home frm foc and why arn't i at rvps's lantern fest?

cos dumbdumb me has to stay at home and study like shit

OH MAN. I SO BLOODY WANT TO GO BACK TO RVPS'S LANTERN FEST

worse still, foc today was at aunty helen's hse, directly opposite rvps
i wanted so much to rush over instead of coming home

i wandered around rv mall for awhile rekindling long lost, happy pri sch memories

i realised how much i missed pri sch life. i visited cheers which i so often went to with karen, zann and michelle after sch. i the placed has changed. i saw the shop which me and clau bought our turtles, which we reared in class. i walked along the familar path which we took to the lrt station, where we laughed and joke like bunch of happy retards. i even miss the lrt station and the small kiosk which i bought my constant supply of snacks and would wait for elton there every morn to walk to sch together. i wondered, if i went up to the kiosk uncle and go, 'two bottles of peach tea, please', would he still rmb me?

i miss pri sch life

and do i even have time to go back to rvps anymore?

cny. school
teachers day. school
lantern fest. EXAM/TEST PERIOD. forget abt it
children's day. forget even more abt it. I HAVE A TEST/EXAM
speech day. school
holidays. go there say hello to e building meh

and it'll be like that for e nxt ___ years.

how saddening

lets try to be more positive, stay happy and get into the study mood

hist, geog + jap oral, jap paper, math

4 consecutive tests/exams. phew

i will survive -nods vigorously-

2007-09-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

i really don't fancy being alone at home staring blankly at the 4 walls yet again

i'm sick of this

2007-09-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

as i struggle to find the words to express myself
i realised that silence was more meaningful

2007-09-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

why do some people hate it when another do something to them, yet they are doing that something to others?

kmy suddenly sprung me a question that shocked, and surprised me
a question i wuld never be able to answer

i was overwhelmed by my chinese review results
shocked, shocked and more shocked
i never expected myself to get such a mark

and the only response of ppl is to hate me and think i cheated, or thought i was just plain lucky
luck doesn't come so many times
when will people stop looking down on me?
but anyway, i don't blame them
afterall, i don't read chinese, i don't speak chinese, i don't do chinese assesments, and my chinese sucks
and some even more hardworking ppl out there actually got lower than me
life is unfair, isn't it?
why do i worry when i get low marks, and worry even more when i get high marks?

when will people learn to be more considerate to others feelings?

is it really true that you treat the people that are closer to you worse?
i'm experiecing it more and more

i haven't studied finish what i planned

why can't i just be less slack?

2007-09-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

ARGHHHHHH. I'M SICK OF THIS

here i am dying already. instead of helping, ppl add on to my workload. ask me to buy stuff for them, no travel allowance. treats me as a foc vending machine. free printer express, wrapping service etc etc

I'VE HAD ENOUGH

am i valued for my existance or just my tissue paper, scotchtape, stapler, or my manual labour services?

PLEASE SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR ONCE WILL YOU.

and once again, empty promises.
asean. the usual things keep repeating

i'm tired of this

i'm so sleepy and tired, trying hard to clear messes i arn't even responsible for. fixing asean, helping ppl print stuff. as usual, at least once a wk someone wuld find me on msn to ask me to hlp them print stuff and tonight, again. banging my head on e wall for forgetting to buy coke for kmy and denise and racking my brains to try to find a way to get it, helping qixuan to wrap her present.

am i forever having to bother about other people's problems in addition to my own?

joan is pissed

2007-09-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

isn't it a weird thing how the simplest things can trigger me off nowadays

i hate people who ruin my plans

tomorrow after sch, i shall stay back, barricading myself off in the lounge equipped with books and vitasoy and mug like a mad idiot, letting no one interupt my studying

and i shall nt leave until i have finish mugging my jap vocab up till chapter 10
then i shall head home and revise the grammar structures

and no one shall be able to ruin my plans

when will those ppl learn to be more mature and understanding?

i am feeling rather down now

my plans have been ruined

JOAN! exercise more faith in God!

2007-09-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

i am happy, yet unhappy today

i'm really confused. every second of my life i feel history replaying itself. i feel that i'm becoming more and more unlike myself anymore. i rather nt voice out my opinions though they are really bugging me and making me unhappy cos of fear of offending people. i'm really conked up inside with all the mixed emotions i can't show. i'm forced to hang around with people i don't like and forced to smile and laugh like nothings wrong when i'm really unhappy inside. i haven't forgotten how we, you more than me, used to hate her so much. i'm really really confused with the complexity of human minds. i feel compelled to do things i don't want to do. i'm no longer myself, or perhaps i was never.

i remembered this phrase, "do you realise that the people that you're closest too are the people you treat the worst?"
i don't think its true for me
but perhaps, its true to me from others

i'm really, really unhappy inside
yet this is too precious to me to let my unhappiness ruin everything
i'm nt like That Person who can just strut away and pretend we've never known and go our own ways and make new friends and try to be popular and blah blah blah

i can just sit here and watch God work in pretence and silence

is this just life?
and do you realised although sometimes you are actually joking with a person, that person actually gets very hurt when you carry the joke too far?
and every word you say to someone who thinks you are very important to her matters alot and actually stays there in her heart for a long long time?
and your insults, even if they are meant to be a joke, can actually destroy's a person's sense of self worth?

words hurt, words flirt, words kill

and i ought to have more self discipline. i should really study much much harder. although today was free day i still reached home at 7.30 cos i left at 5pm frm e band rm. and i went to amk hub to shop with qixuan and have my dinner. so i never did get to go to chinatown. i must study much much harder.

i should be studying

thanks tessa, once again

2007-09-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

yayness for me (: i survived today (:

hell. the jap grades came today. the dumb, long list with all the grades for graded stuff. and gosh i fail pratically everything except my CA5 -.- i'm so going to get an F9 for jap this yr.

i can hear sis trying to play the 'ballade pour adeline' song. i guess she's as obsessed with it as i am. teehee

i've been obsessed with the scores i photocopied frm vanessa and sarah. the secret songs and the nice richard clayderman songs. really nice classical music. very very nice. its been hard prying myself away from the piano x)

i'm feeling quite lighthearted today... perhaps its becos we don't have to study the 50 chengyus for hcl test tmr, and the toughest test this wk (e.lit) is already over

speaking of e.lit, i think i'm going to flunk it. i was writing away for my dear life, and only after for writing for around 5mins did i realised what i was writing had nth to do with the question. i ended up thrushing words onto paper with hardly any thinking just to finish my paper on time. hell. my answers are all nonsense.

busy day tmr... meeting up with the sect greens for self prac, i wanted to lug my instru home but now i decided against it, seeing that i'm going to chinatown after that and anw i wouldn't have the time to practice... shall just pop in now and then for self prac then... definately nt wk 3 though. very busy week... and yes, as i've said, i'll be accompanying qixuan to amk hub after prac to help her pick a present for someone , then i'll head off to chinatown to get those crystals cos i've got to make some presents myself... busy term, busy weeks ahead. lots and lots of ppl's birthdays are up and there comes the rev tests. oh no... ok, then obviously i'll head home to STUDY

jap! 7 more chapters to go! plus a full 11 chapters revision on saturday! -how exciting

mum is forever giving me additional stress
as if i need anymore

can't you ever understand?

2007-09-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

i keep telling myself, i must be strong. i must be strong. i must be strong

but sadly, i can never be

i can't stop myself from tearing, i can't stop myself from just sitting there, staring into space with all hope lost, i can't stop myself from wanting to give up

i really don't know whats wrong with me these few days

perhaps its really the lack of that thing i get from people. those people just think i'm just this smart, happy little kid, happy in school, getting good grades, happy at home and everything

its my friends and classmates that really know me best.
its rather dishearting to have to say this. yes, its my friends who know me best. not my mum, nt my dad. nxt to myself, my friends.
its my friends who are there when i'm upset, its my friends who comforts, its my friends who encourages, its my friends who see me cry, its my friends who knows what i want.
even to the teeniest bit, at least they know me.
they understand, they care.

where has the mum gone to?

why does she always seem to care abt the eldest's well being more then the two other dying yonger kids
its the eldest who's most happy, its the eldest who's most carefree, its the eldest's who's most un-stressed
yet whatever the 2 younger ones are doing, she has totally no idea
my rv tests starts this wk, she has no idea
she has no idea i have tests every wk. sometimes even everyday
she has no idea how stressed i am
up till now, she has no idea what i do in school
she has no idea abt anything concerning my life

she has no idea how i feel
she has no idea, nt even the teeniest bit, on how i think

she's the one i spend most time with, yet she's the one who knows me the least

she doesn't know what i want

she doesn't care when i'm stressed like shit
ok, in fact i doubt she even thinks i'm stressed cos to her i'm just a slacker
she doesn't care when i fret abt pws like stupid asean and tests and hw cos to her, i'm just a stupid lazy pig who doesn't study and do hw

she doesn't know me. she doesn't know my life.

sometimes, i ask myself, whats e point of living
there i am, slogging like shit everyday, fretting, tearing, conked up. for what, exactly?
i really don't know.
maybe its just life. maybe i'm just destined to live such a rubbish life like this.

with everyone at home thinking i'm a slacker and a lazy pig who doesn't deserve to be in st nicks. who think i'm lazy, lazy and lazy.
who doesn't know anything abt my real life.
they only think i'm lazy

i'm really really scared all over of reality
full of fakeness
i've just realised fakeness existed in my family too
except in the past, i've just been too naive/stupid/blind to notice it

ok, enough joan
you can't go on like this forever
stop it, pick yourself up and get on with life

be strong, joan
believe in God, believe in yourself

2007-09-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

i don't know if i can make it

whatever it is, i'm determined nt to fail any of my review papers and jap EOY

i'm already trying very very hard

i've still got a thousand and one things to study and do. i've decided that i shall just give up on mugging my 50 cheng yus cos its nt listed under e tested topics. i shall just pray hard that they are nt. shall check with zhang man li tmr... now all i have is my literary devices and chapter 11 of jap. got a dumb test tmr. DAMM. i'm trying very hard to mug chap 11's vocab which are very confusing. and there's so many grammar structures! i've got all the different structures in the different lessons mixed up... they shuld categorize the different structures in different chapters in a more systematic order... well whatever. and all those particles are getting on my nerves, i keep getting them wrong. and all those question words too... the problem is that the question words are scattered throughout the chapters... they shld make a list of question words. and i've forgotten about all of what i've studied like hell yest. DAMM ME.

so this wk wuld be devoted to jap, jap and more jap. and of cos a visit to e band rm to pick up my dear trombone. eng, e.lit and hcl tests this wk... hope i'll survive... this wk i'm seriously going to get an overdose of jap, besides classes on mon and wed, i'll have to mug like crazy on tues, thurs and fri. sat wuld be MUGGING LIKE CRAZY WOMAN for jap again... and then sunday wuld be spent mugging for geog, hist and study math. what bad luck, to have 3 of the most mugging-needed subs tests/exam, and the other which is one of my worst subs and the one i need to revise for most on the same week. well... so monday after hist test, wuld have to do some last min rev of jap and geog, and then there will be geog and jap oral on e same day. i think i will just faint before oral. then obviously after oral i must chiong home to study for my JAP PAPER. musn't fail e paper... i'm already going to fail oral... ok then after the paper on wed i must rush home to study MATH like mad mad mad mad. okay, this sounds horrible. friday i shall just go home and rot and die of exhaustion. sat and sun, SERIOUS MUGGING FOR PHY, CHEM AND BIO. phy and bio is hell. ok, bio is less hell cos i've already mugged most of it for e wk 1 bio test. but physics is serious shit cos i haven't understood what mr gan has been talking for the past ___ months, wks, days... whatever, of my freaking life. and worst, those stuff are nt found in the textbook where everything is just printed there for you to mug. ok, good luck to me. after all that, NO, I CAN'T EVEN REST. i have to finish FIVE 剪报s AND DECORATE THOSE NONSENSES. god... then, finally, on the 16th of october, HOLS ARE HERE.

this looks rather bad

you know what's worse?
this coming sat when i'm supposed to be mugging for jap, mum insists on dragging me to this dumb birthday party of her stupid karoke teacher. john woon, he thinks he's some kind of big star where he has to hold such a stupid big birthday party at some kinda hotel with this stupid karoke competition which mum is going to sing. i've looked at her practicing her dancing along with her singing and she seriously looks like a chicken. seeing that she's already the least ah-soh -ish auntie in her class i don't know how the rest are gonna peform. this whole thing wuld be a complete waste of my day and i don't know why my mum insists on dragging me along even though i told her i have to study like shit. just to please her stupid teacher, puhlease. he thinks he's so popular where everyone have to give him face by going to his stupid party when its really none of my business. i'm freaking pissed
and that day is also rvps's lantern fest night. please i rather go to lantern fest than to go to his stupid party, waste of my time and energy. i can't believe after a whole yr of looking forward to rvps's lantern fest, i suddenly backed out becos of stupid jap EOY and all the other freaking tests. even worst, i can't believe that now i'm actually nt going to lantern fest, nt being able to study but actually going to my mum's STUPID SINGING TEACHER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. God i'm really pissed to the core.

i shan't post any further although i feel like screaming to the whole world how unreasonable this whole thing is and how shit is my life cos i shuld really be doing that stupid hcl mock paper

2007-09-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

i'm dying already

i can't stand it anymore. the complexity of the world, the hidden thoughts of people's minds... why must everything be so confusing?
i really shouldn't think anymore, i really should try to go back to the naive/stupid state i used to be, thinking that the world was good and everything was alright.
i really shouldn't get myself involved into the complexity of the world.
everyday, i see new things, i hear new facts. i get shocked, upset, not able to accept the things that are happening right before me. i seek to escape the reality, but the more i hide, the more these things build up and finally, i just explode from the pile-up of facts and problems i've been forever escaping and just crack there and then.
why can't life just be like before?

come to think of it, i think i've changed tremendously just going frm pri to sec sch. my thoughts, my life, my maturity. my perception about things, the way i speak, the way i carry myself, even the way i act. i feel that i've became a totally different person. i used to be really naive, looking only at the surface of things, with simple thinking and believing whatever i see or hear. but now exposed to just a few of the most basic tough facts of life, through struggling in the cruel reality, i've grown. i've matured in the way i handle things, the way i solve problems, the way i get along with life. the way i speak, with hints of depression, yet sometimes with enthusiasm and craze, i think i've developed an inner personality. i'm sometimes like some busy woman, planning schedues and keeping to time. i've got so much problems and feelings to confide, and things and opinions to speak. i carry myself in a different way at home, in school and out. outside i might look like some serious, grown-up person, at home i seem like a total slacker with absolutely no signs of stress to my family. i show myself more in school, now that i'm always out of e hse. most of my anger, my craziness, my unhappiness, my emo-ness are always happening at school. its like, no one will understand me even 50% cos even me don't know myself well, yet i'm the one that knows myself best. i've just changed in almost every aspect, the things i care about, the way i live... everything. i don't know if this is good or bad, but perhaps i've finally got myself exposed to reality.

sadly, i still fail in the aspects of remainding strong and resilient. i still can't help just cracking up sometimes with the overload of stress. and i'm still allowing myself to get hurt each time i face the cruel facts of reality. i really can't get to terms with these things. perhaps i never will, with the thing inside me that resists change. maybe it will remain like this forever. even being exposed to reality, instead of making me stronger its weakening me gradually. from term 1 till now, in term 1 i used to struggle to adapt, sacrificing sleep but now, i think i've almost given up. some people think i'm strong, but sadly i'm definately not. yet those who thought i was weak, they're wrong too. i'm still here, well alive and struggling. things will remain as they are for me, but now that i've seen the tiniest bit of the worst, and know what is going to come up, i'm prepared to leave everything to God, and hoping that things will eventually turn out right for me.

i'm sorry if this post doesn't make much sense to you, but its said right through from the inner part of me so its just normal if you don't understand, cos i don't really understand myself too.

back to the status, i've tried hard to study for jap. its so mentally torturing that although i started studying at the table, i was so agonized that i rolled onto the bed and ended up on the floor.
i'm serious
and yet, nothing much has been able to penetrate
i guess its a day wasted

i don't have much time left

i'm still drowning, yet struggling

2007-09-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

everyday of my life, i feel that history is continuously repeating.

i don't know why i never seem to be able to control my emotions. during pe my emotions and anger ran again. while we were playing softball, we were so happy at one moment. shrieking, screaming and laughing like retards cos of the stupid stuff we were doing such as snatching away the home base cone. then later when we had to play a competition, the anger surged and i felt my heart beating furiously. when that person pitched i requested to bat. sorry yuanting if it seems rather rude cos you were the one who was supposed to bat and i kinda just butted in but i really wanted to beat her so badly for once. i got really angry later, not only cos i failed to beat her but i knew i could do much better than that. that person pitched really low and i was unable to bat properly. i just whacked the ball unintentionally. i should have asked her to pitch again, the ball could have flown further if i was more calm and the pitching was better. i dropped e bat and started running like an idiot, i could have ran faster. i felt like cursing myself for mistaking the cones and running a longer distance. i failed to beat her, and i hated myself for it. why am i nt able to this little thing i want to do so badly when she is able to win over me in so many aspects and snatch away all that i have? i hate her attitude, and i hate my own attitude too. why can't i just put aside the hatred. all this nonsense about advising ppl nt to hate, do i have the rights to do so when i myself can't stop hating? i tried, i really tried. but the more i see her doing it, the more i hate her and myself. why can't she just stop inflicting the emotional pain on others? even kimberly feels the hurt when she is always so happy and cheerful about everything else. even now when kmy and i are totally done and over with her, she still likes to hurt us. i hate her, i really hate her so much for all that she's doing, and all the harm she's done. i hate her on the way she bullies others emotionally and try to take away all others have. if she wants it she has to work for it, not snatch and steel like some underhand thief. i hate her attitude, but i hate myself more for letting her do this to so many others and not being able to stop all these from happening. i hate myself for letting others get hurt and cheated like i did before. i don't want history to repeat, more people to get hurt. yet all i can do is to sit there and watch everything happen right before me, hating and getting hurt, but unable to do anything about it. i hate myself for the lack of that thing to just walk up to scold her and tell her to stop all her nonsense, i hate myself for not being able to stop hating. i hate myself for everything

i hate myself for losing it during chinese lessons. there i was, feeling perfectly fine before. i was just so proud of my brochure and poster, until i saw the others. i thought my brochure was going to be the most wonderful brochure around, yet all hope was gone when i saw the other grp's brochure. in fact, ours was the worst. the plainest, the most boring, the one with the worst info. i hated myself for nt making it better. i want it to be as good, or even better, than the other grps. and our poster. i thought the deco was good, i thought the layout was neat. yet when i saw the other grps i knew that yet again, ours is the worst. our posters got criticized like shit by zhang man li. fine, our posters were total rubbish, nt even worthy for her eyes. after all the hard work, the info, the deco, this is what i get. for someone to tell me my poster is shit. FINE. for all i care. i'm sick of this. who says hard work and effort produces results? TOTAL CRAP. sometimes i don't know why i work so hard for all my tests if i just end up failing, my pws if it just gets criticized like rubbish. then zhang man li told us to redo our posters. i just couldn't help myself. i really lost it and let it out. i'm really sick of all thats going on. we have 3 reviews nxt wk, 2 of which it is a must to study for. english is total suck, we have such a eng relief tr who forgot to come for e 1st lesson and talked rubbish the nxt two instead of revising for reviews. for e.lit i have to re-read sing to the dawn, memorize dates, school, countries etc etc for chinese cinderell and study the literary devices, i still have to read through the dumb notes and all. i have to memorize the definations and sentences for 50 成语, do my chinese mock paper. on wk 3 there's hist, geog, jap oral and paper, and maths. which means wk 2 wuld be hell trying to study. i was, and am, really really tired and sick of everything and all the emotions i had been opressing since the very beginning. i just couldn't stop myself and went on and on. as usual, i got severely criticized my zhang man li but i didn't care. i just couldn't help it, everything was too tiring. the emotions i have been opressing unconsiously had found its sudden release. i was really stretched far beyond my stretchable point and just snapped there and then. i felt many people around me with comforting words, i'm really thankful to all who did so, esp kmy and all others. it really meant alot to me. but i just couldn't stop, the more they comforted the more i went on, the more i thought of the cruel reality.

it was when i walked past the sec 2 classes did i see their exam/test schedues written on the boards did i realise, once and for all that the years ahead are going to be much worse. i really don't know how will i survive up till then. i'm already dying now.

i have far too many opressed emotions

i'm close to giving up totally. very close

2007-09-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

out of pure randomness, i want to say...

i love my hair

i am chao lethargic today, and perhaps every other day
i don't know what is wrong with me. i haven't been studying, i have been getting average sleeping hrs (my own standard), there isn't an overload of hws or pws. yet i am feeling so so sleepy and dead. there's just something wrong with me. and i keep getting jolts of stomach aches out of nowhere which is not good.

i got scolded in band for something which was totally unknown to me and absolutely unintentional
she said that i was standing out when we were tuning and that i wanted to show off
PLEASE. i didn't even know i was standing out. it was she who kept asking us to push more and more and use more air blow louder. "TROMBONES! LOUDER! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" and when i blow louder like she asked me to there i got accused of trying to show off. *pissed*
and what have i got to show off? my wrong pitch? my horrible tone? and she thinks i like blowing loudly? i blowed loudly and reluctantly and my stomach was hurting like shit. like who would want to blow loudly and risk getting picked out and scolded for being out of tune?
she is just so dumb. she just accuses ppl without even using her brains to think
like how she accused me the other time of many things when qixuan just got transfered
*PISSED*

i seriously need to sleep

i feel dead

2007-09-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

i'm bored, yet free
but refusing to do my math hw (due friday) or study for that wretched ting xie

there's smth wrong with me today
while studying ting xie i just fell asleap
i wasted so much time today

i am such a slacker

i don't like e new english teacher, ms sim
she has this really fake sounding accent
long hair and pale face that makes her look scary and vampire-like
and some ppl frm diligence told me that the is pregnant
she does look like it. her tummy's rather curved
ok, theres nth wrong with being pregnant
BUT SHE'S NOT MARRIED
ohmygosh
and she likes to wear ah lian and revealing clothes
e 1st time she wore this really low cut shirt with a huge v cleavage and tight 3/4 jeans with ah lian heals
today she wore this EVEN LOWER CUT dress that covers only HALF of her _____ OHMYGOSH. and it was so short, much higher than knee length. i felt like going up to her and say, 'ms sim, can you wear something more decent the next lesson?'
shouldn't teachers be setting good examples instead of getting themselves pregnant in the wrong way and dressing inappropriately?

ok, thats none of my business how she dresses or looks, and whether she's pregnant or whatever
but her teaching is not good at all
she talks loads of irrevelant stuff
2 whole hours, 2 whole lessons she wasted it on asking us to describe scenery. so cliche and
rubbishy. please, we're doing descriptive writing, not learning how to write good essays with all those cliche phrases which i've always hated
and then she likes to teach as if she's talking to herself
practically no one in class is paying attention

oh.... 1J's english is already bad and now they're dumping us with a teacher even worse teacher
at least mrs kwan teaches well, if we overlook the fact that she's boring
but this teacher is even more boring than mrs kwan
and i have to survive being the eng rep with her for 6 weeks

HELP

2007-09-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

I'M BRAINDEAD! I'M BRAINDEAD!

STOP GETTING ME TO MUG

RAHHH

i'm feeling rather depressed today after looking at that stupid review tests (EOY!) schedue
we have like tests after tests crammed in
+ jap EOY
RAHHHHHHHHH

ok, i think i'm getting mentally unstable

today morning, i walked sleepily through the canteen to e classrms. suddenly, i heard LOUD squeaks behind me. i was shocked and turned around and lo and behold! i saw, chewing on a piece of cardboard, was a...

RAT

yes! what on earth was a RAT doing in the canteen?! its so unhygienic!! and i bet it was the culprit who chewed the wire/cables that caused the stupid power failure in our school. mum is always going on about how this stupid rat chewed the wires of this shopping mall and caused a explosion which resulted in a huge fire. i had a urge to pounce on that rat but something kept me from doing so. perhaps after watching ratatouilee, or maybe before that, i realised how rats feel about things. all they want to do is to eat and live. we humans are too selfish. we take the life of animals for food and survival but we don't allow animals to eat our food. that doesn't seem too fair. they don't know that chewing wire cables isn't right, they don't do it on purpose. and we humans do things that harm animals too. why are human beings so selfish?

well, i guess that's what we call human nature

finally i had the guts to ______
isn't it weird how some things just make you feel so so happy you feel like you're floating?
i feel really really happy now
really really really happy. although it was just a stupid small thing, i feel really happy
i guess things are finally getting better

and i'm starting to lose control of my temper. again
the stupid STOP method is so dumb and useless
i get so pissed that i can't even remember what does STOP stands for
forget about doing it
ppl don't really think right when they're mad
i suceeded in pissing kmy today recess as i was getting to mad mad mad over stupid music composition
i just racked my brains over a week of hols to think of a tune and TADAH, when i finally got one and wrote it down, denise tells me its a tune from choir -.-
and the stupid thing was due in 30mins and i was like going mad mad mad and i tried to ammend it. then i got mad mad mad and walked out on denise and kmy
I MUST LEARN TO CHILL
CHILL JOAN CHILL
sorry to denise and kmy
i also don't know why i walked out on them. i told you, ppl don't think when they're mad. maybe its just becos they were e only persons i could walk out on. rahh

i must chill

AND MUG

RAHHHH

oh nonono, chill.....

2007-09-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

jap is driving me crazy
the post exam schedue looks good
but the exam is not

we have to, besides having to mug 11 chaps worth of vocab and grammar structures, write compo and have oral
i will totally be stumped during oral
i will just sit there feeling stupid
and i don't think i can even manage to write a sentence for the essay

the thing is, i don't even have adequet time to mug
i don't think i can even make it back to rvps for lantern fest on e 22nd
cos i have to study. like mad

i feel like giving up

why must life be so difficult

2007-09-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

i'm now suffering the consequences of nt paying attetion and nt taking notes during bio
and please teach me how to study my chapter 6 while avoiding looking at all the horrible pics of the many worms
i think its impossible. in e 1st place, i can't even study the part on invertebrates cos i scotchtaped the two pages together to avoid the worms
if a question on that segment comes out i will just die
but i rather die than to look at those worms
i'm a serious helminthophobic

and i'm soon to suffer the same for physics
and then there comes all e review tests
and then sec 2
where i think i will just die

i think i sprained my toes

2007-09-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

today was a good good day (:

wow i seldom see myself saying this

we changed seats!!
i'm now sitting right in the middle (i counted), excatly in e middle of e class :/
part of me likes my new seat cos of the wonderful ppl around me (: and i can communicate more easily sitting right in e middle cos i'm usually just crammed up in my own world at the corner :/
but part of me miss my little corner and stacks of junk beside me and being able to eat and talk and do my own work like nobody's business. and sitting in e middle is a bad thing. the teacher's usual standing location is right in front of me. they like to look at me while teaching. they like to see my work, they are always looking at me like a hawk in almost every moment. how sad ):
but having the wonderful ppl around me makes things better (:
wonderful ppl = denise, minyu (side) vanessa koh, sarah, nienping (behind) erica, wanqi, letian (front), and others sitting in the row beside me (:

i shall have to be a good girl in my new seat o.O

and you know what?

i am suffering from intense euphoria

I PASSED MY JAP CA5
WHOOO HOOOOOOO
FINALLY AFTER A BLOODY __ MONTHS OF STRUGGLIN TO PASS MY CAs, I PASSED THE 5TH ONE! YAY!

ohmygosh. you won't know how happy was i when i found out
at 1st i was shocked. i stared at my paper wondering if it was really mine. i just sat there shocked, then started feeling the excitement rush through. i finally passed. i passed. although its nt a good grade (27/42) but i finally passed. at least its a pass, after failing the past 4 CAs. ohmygosh. you won't know how i feel. then break time joanne and kai sing looked at me and went like, 'haha. she's too happy'. then i started screaming and shrieking, "I PASSED! YAY! I PASSED I PASSED I PASSED". haha i think e whole class might have thought i was mad, got until so low still scream until lidat but i was so so so so happy! ohohoh... SO HAPPY ((((: till no smilies can describe x)

i shall work very very hard to try pass my jap EOY (:
go joan! you can do it (:
i'm motivated now :D

but now i should really be studying bio

GO JOAN :D

2007-09-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

i am starting to have end of hols and start of sch blues
at least i could get decent sleep and go around for movies, shopping or blah blah
i will miss hols
i can't wait for e o lvl hols and end of yr hols to come

but before the hols
i have to mug and mug and mug
for all the dumb reviews (EOYs in disguise)
there's still jap and dumb oral
and what then there's band, without seniors, 3 hrs straight combined
work pws and hw which i hope wuld seriously lessen in t4 seing that i already have to study like mad
don't forget e undone 剪报s

term 4 is going to be very very difficult
its still going to be a busy __ weeks

i can't imagine how am i going to survive e rest of my life

i hope that God will bless me through my life ahead
before i actually crack up and go crazy

i shall finish up hist assignment and go to sleep
i don't want to wake up late for church ):

i ~~shall~~ must blog less and stop slacking

2007-09-08T18:00:00.001-07:00

shiying likes getitng kicked out of combined? o.O
what an eye opener
i like staying out, but nt getting kicked out x)

ok, don't worry ppl out there who haven't mugged for review tests. i haven't too -.-
nope, nt a single bit
i haven't even startred for bio and ting xie
God bless me

i am slacking/have been slacking
went with sis to get her haircut at kovan
shopped around
i finally got my windmill (:

so here i am
i shall finish 2 剪报s before going to the gym
and when i come back, i shall finish 1 more 剪报 after dinner
and then stay up late to finish book trails, colour wheel, hist graded assignment, music composition and jap hw
then tmr after piano i shall collate e whole asean thingo properly + seek help in printing, pack up and locate all my misplaced stuff and finish more jap hw
and study a little bio

i really hope 剪报 isn't due on wk 1
i still haven't found my 4 misplaced articles
so i don't plan to do e collation yet

hols are gonna be over soon
and this one hasn't been particularly fruitful

i really feel like quitting jap

look on e brighter side
everything will be done and over by 25th sept

2007-09-08T12:30:00.000-07:00

why am i blogging now when i'm supposed to be at foc?

i am such an idiot

yest night....

11.30pm - start typing 剪报

*types barely 1 sentence and falls asleap hugging laptop*

1.45am - jean: "ok, lets go to sleep"

.......

today morn....

7am - 9am - alarm rings continually every 10 mins
looks at my hp, grunts, go back to sleep

*alarm gets fed up and decides to stop ringing at 9am*

12.10 - "oh shit"

and they are having amazing race today !! ):
why am i such a coconut? -.-

maybe its God's will for me to stay at home and finish all my hw, mainly, my 剪报s
*GROANS*

oh, and....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH

2007-09-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

wheeeeee

ratatouilee and secret rawked (:
euu shuld really watch it. its worth the money
and i strongly recomend cathay cineplex!

ok. so i woke up in e morn and caught ratatouilee at amk hub with kmy. it was really really good and funny. and cute too.
then we went shopping around... saw this nice bag and many other clothes that i liked but didn't haf e money to buy ): and hahaha, there were so many baby+maternity shops in amk hub o.O and i was happily recounting to kmy how i once walked into this maternity shop nt knowing that it was one, and started looking at those clothes while e salesperson gave me strange looks. haha. and then, TADAH, history repeated x)

joan: "hey why this shirt only M size so big! i think i can wear leh!"

kmy: "eh joan, i think this is a maternity wear shop"

*looks at each other and rushes out of the shop laughing*

that was so dumb

then kmy left for tuition at around 2pm and i went to tan tock seng to meet mum

then at around 4.20pm i left for amk hub again. haha

and met jean for secret. its really nice too! nice and mysterious and touching. the music's really good too (: watch it! highly recomended :D

then we went to yishun to pick up jean's laptop and went home

my feet's aching like crazy.
and today's 2 movies and whole day out has left me in a close-to-bankruptcy state
thank God jean is sponsering my ticket for secret! :D
and i ate so much rubbish today! popcorn and large coke x2, ruffles chips, chocolate bar, subway cookie, egg tart and blah blah blah

i still have loads of hw!
pray that 剪报 isn't due anytime soon ):
pray hardddddd :D

I HATE JAP ORAL THINGY! >:(

2007-09-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

RAHH

e trombones and tuba got bullied alot during band today
i think she's really biased towards us
when shiying and diana used to complain abt that alot, i used to tell them that they were being over sensitive
but now i find that its pretty true
when trumpets can't reach high notes, she tell them nt to force
when we can't reach she scolds us for nt using enuf air
when we are nt in tune she scolds and scolds and scolds like what
when the other instrus are nt in tune she just tells them off normally
when we blow wrongly or come in late/early, she glares at us like we commited murder or start scolding and yelling or kick us out
when e other instrus do that she just goes, ' ____ ! late/early/wrong note!'
and when we put pressure on our lips he scolds and scolds and insults like crazy
just cos ours, tuba and euphonium is like so obvious. unlike the woodwinds + trumpets and horn

we did e tuning thingy and she did it over and over
and as usual, tuba and trombones got scolded ALOT ALOT ALOT for coming in early/late
which was like, quite true lah
but she should consider that tuba had to come in 1st and we had to come in 2nd and we came in alone when the other instrus could come in together later, or whatever. couldn't really tell. its just so obvious to hear when tuba and trombones made mistakes cos... it was obvious
and during chords she kept scolding me and olivia cos we were e only ones playing e 1st note or whatever. and e note happens to be high Bflat and she started screaming that we were nt in tune and LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN.
well, i couldn't tell. at all.

ok. fine. she kept scolding trombones trombone and trombones after that for all kinds of reasons
and everytime she scolds trombones, it felt like she was just scolding me and me alone
cos i was just sitting right in e middle
easiest for her to scold
anyone in our sect makes e mistake i'm e first one to get accused, first one to get scolded
why on earth am i sitting in e middle?

thats nt all
she kicked shiying and diana out just cos they came in late for chords or whatever
they had to stay out even after we finished tuning
and she like, totally forgot abt them
until we went for sectionals and then came back for e last 30mins to play livin la vida loca
they said sorry to her
AND SHE SCOLDED THEM AGAIN
does this make sense?

i was pressing like my life depended on it and i had this really clear mark
then she started scolding sijia for pressing and having a mark
then everyone started looking at me and i realised i had a mark too
and i had to hide my face behind e stand all the while
which was so dumb

combined makes my e whole sect greens distressed
where has the times when we used to laugh and laugh and laugh like nobody's business gone to?
"1... 2... 3... WHOOOO"
and we would start laughing

i miss those times

i have been slacking e whole day
the moment i came home frm novena after meeting mum i dropped dead onto my bed until 9
i feel so awake that i could stay up all night working on those stupid articles

ratatouilee with kmy and secret with sis tmr (:

2007-09-06T00:10:00.000-07:00

yay! i feel accomplished becos i've finished e myanmar brochure (:
and to me, its gonna be the most beautiful and cute brouchure around (:
although e info inside is abit... uhhh ehhh
but i still think its really good and nice ((:

those dumbdumb 剪报s are bugging me
i haven't got started yet
tmr is already thursday ):
i better work harder and stop slacking
theres still the truckloads of jap hw and the stupid oral self intro
its gonna be hard mugging for jap EOY and all the other review tests
i'm determined to pass everything!
esp jap EOY (:

why can't cca standdown be earlier for us ):

the motivation is finally here
the problem is... its now 12:10am in the night/morning, i have to wake up at 7am tmr and i'm really sleepy now ):
i shall work hard tmr and hope that the motivation will nt go away :D

ps: i just realised that christine seow has e same blogskin as mine which gave me quite a shock. and i found out alot of other interesthing stuff abt myself and others. AND i think i do blog too much. 1 more post to make a nice 200 and i only started blogging this yr in march :D

2007-09-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

i'm going crazy

asean is driving me crazy. my chinese absolutely sucks i don't know how i ended up taking higher chinese. jean's chinese is so much better than mine and i don't know why i am taking higher chinese when she didn't. doing the stupid myanmar research, i could only type out e stupid title, nt knowing what else to type. i had to enter every website found and copy and paste e info in it to babelfish to be translated. after reading the english version then do i know whether the info is useful or not. i feel absolutely disguested with my chinese, nt being able to read even e simplest paragraphs. i have totally no idea what i put into the asean research unless i translated it using babelfish, which is nt totally accurate.
ASEAN RESEARCH WAS PRATICALLY DRIVING ME UP THE WALL
at least its done now
but i feel bad to grace and weiting, who found so much info on their topic for the poster, when i have so so so little info on both my topics. i think the info for both my topics is even lesser than their info for only one topic. but i really don't know what to put in anymore and am so so tired of entering every website and copying and pasting info to babelfish to be translated.
i shall substitute with more pics
sorry grace and weiting ):
i hope the other grp's poster is coming out well

and i am totally mad at zhang man li and pan lao shi for making us do the stupid 剪报 competition
this is so stupid
just becos we're in stretch, we get more pws, more hw, more assignments?
THIS IS SO DUMB
10 cuttings. somemore have to decorate and make them presentable
i already know i am never going to win this stupid thing and yet i am still forced to do it
DUMB
this is so pointless

i am just glad that i have finally finished researching for asean
it makes me feel kinda acomplished
but it also made me feel braindead

i shall work on summarizing for the brochure, making the globes, designing the title and subtitles, setting the fonts and sizes and format and etc etc later
i seriously need a break

2007-09-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

i feel really lonely at home

):

2007-09-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

i must complete my hist graded assignment, 6 剪报s, e asean brochure and collation for e 海报 today and will nt go to sleep until i do so
i shall rush to do it so that i can go out
haven't been spending much time with mum as she is mostly at the hospital with my grandmother
i feel rather lonely and bored at home

i want to watch The Secret, Ratatouilee and Blood Brothers!
but i got nt enuf money ): and anyway Blood Brothers is NC16
dammit
i shall watch ratatouilee with kmy on friday
and maybe convince my sis to sponser me for The Secret since she wants to watch it too :D
i'm going severely broke ):

right. on to work

should i drop jap?

2007-09-05T00:10:00.000-07:00

2007-09-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

the cable tv's channel 55 9pm hk drama series i had been watching ended today
kinda weirdly
at least its a happy ending

oohhhh... i really don't want the series of unfortunate events to end
its such a nice series. although quite a weird one
its written really weirdly and funnily
I DON'T WANT IT TO END
and there's still so many mysteries unsolved and things unknown and it just ended like that
):

damm ASEAN pw ):
i haven't got started on ANY hw or pw or studying of anything yet
ARGHHHHHHHH
why am i such a sucker?

isn't it weird how some ppl can be so nice this instant, and start being mean and horrid at the next?
i just wished some ppl wuld be nicer and friendlier
i finally had a chance to experience being a victim of an angry, moody, stressed and blah blah person
well, seeing that i'm frequently one myself
i shall stop throwing my temper and blah blah at ppl cos now i know how bad it feels

joan loves nice people (:
(ps: defination of nice: very very friendly, friendly and more friendly and blah blah)

i feel weird and random today (:

2007-09-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

i feel like banging my head into the wall now
i didn't bring home my trombone
i even forgot to bring home my scores to study
*OH DAMMIT*
nt that it matters, but sia is going to test us on the dumb 'livin la vida loca" or whatever
which i have totally no idea how to play
and will have only a max of 20mins to prac on thurs before ms sia comes
*SHIT*
God bless me

today's band was quite shit
we got kicked out cos of intervals
and got scolded lots and lots of times
we got scolded for playing sloppily, we got scolded for nt tonguing enuf. we even got scolded for not breathing
well, i've grown quite numb to her scoldings and insults already
it doesn't really affect me anymore

poor christine lim, my darling mortal, is nt feeling very well today ):
i hope she'll feel better soon (:

i have finished reading the last book of series of unfortunate events
its quite sad, unlike harry potter
books really do much to me
i felt so sad when it reached e end and everything
kit, count olaf and many others died
and so many other things remained unknown
like fiona and captain widdershins and the quigermares and they finally accepted the fact that their parents were dead
):

something i like abt a series of books is that it goes on and on and i can read and read and get all absorbed into the books
the thing i don't like is the endings
it feels sad everytime i read the end of a book, or the last book of a series
same goes for tv programmes
this is sad ):

i am so sleepy
and is still guilty of the fact that my hw remains untouched

2007-09-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

i realised perhaps i have insomnia
or maybe nt. i don't know. its kinda weird

during sch days where i so often longed to slp and the moment i hit my bed i wuld drift off unconsiously into lalaland. now i actually dread going to sleep. my stomach thingy likes to bug me in e middle of e night. throughout e night i can slp properly cos of my stomach pains. and in e morn headaches start attacking me like crazy. and sleeping and waking up signifies a new day, reminding me of e stuff i haven't done and e little time i have left. and i think i have some kind of sleeping problems. i used to not hear my alarm clock ring and off it unconciously. but now i can just suddenly jump out of my bed panicking at 3am or so and grab my alarm clock, imaginating that i heard my alarm ring and am going to be late for whatever i am supposed to wake up for. and i think i sleepwalk and sleeptalk, and can vaguely rmb it when i wake up, but have no control over it while i'm sleepwalking/talking. i rmb myself going to the toliet in e middle of e night, sit down at the bathtub, wash my hands and go back to sleep. i rmb myself talking gibberish to my stuffed animals in e middle of e night.

i'm convinced that i'm going crazy.
mainly becos of stress

and i don't know why the same kind of nightmares have been drifting in and out lately
the one with kmy, That Person and others involved
i wake up suddenly with fear and confusion
i think i really am stressed

i have finally gotten my hands on the book, a series of unfortunate events book 13, "THE END" (:
i shall stay up reading it tonight (:

i hope i'll survive band tmr

2007-09-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

i need to lose weight
one of my skirts has gotten awfully tight and is giving me breathing difficulties

why are singaporeans so kiasu and money minded?
well, my mum is one of them :D

i am still slacking. its been a long long day out and i am in no mood to do work. everyone is shooting past me like bullet trains while i'm still struggling to crawl after them. i need to pick up the pieces where i left them. i need to work much much harder. no more 1-day-before-test studying anymore. i won't be able to do that for the countless review tests, which as i've said, just a nicer name for EOYs. they cover so so so many chapters. i don't want to end up failing anything and getting a sucky grade. i think me and kmy won't be in e same class nxt yr anymore cos she'll probably be in justice or loyalty which i will never end up in ): i need to buck up and strive harder. I MUST WORK HARD!

anyway, my grandmother got back her brain scan results

why is God so unfair? my grandfather and grandmother had done so many good deeds in their whole lives and God is now taking their lives away one after another. lung cancer, brain tumor, is that what you get for being a good person? i really don't know. i just pray that God will not let my grandmother suffer any pain or anything and just leave as peacefully as my grandfather did.

life is this short
afterall, its just a passing through

i am seriously in need of financial assistance
why do i have to worry abt so many other things normal ppl my age don't have to worry abt?
such as saving money to buy my own clothes, shoes, stationery etc etc
even breakfast, lunch and dinner
in short, everything that i want, and need to buy
does that seem normal?

the pimples and blackheads are popping out continuously

and my stomach is still bugging me alot
*ouch*

2007-09-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

i feel like banging my head into the wall now
i didn't bring home my trombone
i even forgot to bring home my scores to study
*OH DAMMIT*
nt that it matters, but sia is going to test us on the dumb 'livin la vida loca" or whatever
which i have totally no idea how to play
and will have only a max of 20mins to prac on thurs before ms sia comes
*SHIT*
God bless me

today's band was quite shit
we got kicked out cos of intervals
and got scolded lots and lots of times
we got scolded for playing sloppily, we got scolded for nt tonguing enuf. we even got scolded for not breathing
well, i've grown quite numb to her scoldings and insults already
it doesn't really affect me anymore

poor christine lim, my darling mortal, is nt feeling very well today ):
i hope she'll feel better soon (:

i have finished reading the last book of series of unfortunate events
its quite sad, unlike harry potter
books really do much to me
i felt so sad when it reached e end and everything
kit, count olaf and many others died
and so many other things remained unknown
like fiona and captain widershikins and the quigermares and they finally accepted the fact that their parents were dead
):

something i like abt a series of books is that it goes on and on and i can read and read and get all absorbed into the books
the thing i don't like is the endings
it feels sad everytime i read the end of a book, or the last book of a series
same goes for tv programmes
this is sad ):

i am so sleepy
and is still guilty of the fact that my hw remains untouched

2007-09-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

my hair has undergone major change
somewhere in the middle length range
short to tie, long to let down
my fringe is partially chopped of
I MISS MY FRINGE *BAWLS LOUDLY*
no more side part, and no more sleeping during c.lit or acting ghost ):
with a white powered face, some rouge and mascara, i might just resemble a china doll
i don't know how hairdresser pauline managed to make my hair look straight. i kinda miss my curls
and when its up i look like a total pai kia
perhaps i should have just got it snipped a little shorter
anyway, i still love my hair (:
but i miss my fringe ):

living near the mrt station, bus interchange and shopping centre is a bad thing
why? becos they like to set up insurence or banking booths there
nt that its any of my concern
it only bothers me when ppl start mistaking my age and asking me to invest in some nonsense savings plan or buy some dumb life insurence
which, unfortunately, happens pretty often

studying with the jap pros tmr at bishan library
i think i'll just get lost in somewhere like pluto

i shall be a little more hardworking and organized this hols
can't afford to slack anymore
i shall go draw up my holiday timetable now :P

and i can't wait to watch ratatouille with kmy (:

2007-09-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

its a chilly day and i'm all alone at home
i keep having intuitions that bad things are going to happen

i need a haircut very, very badly

2007-09-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

is blogging good or bad?

as i enjoy reading, but have long ran out of materials to read, i have lately taken to reading blogs
i realised that it isn't such a good thing anymore

what i just read made my heart drop all the way down... down...
and it made me tear

are we that irksome?

when we found out abt the first incident, it was enough
i comforted myself thinking that there are others out there for me
but i turned out to be all wrong
i found out how many ppl actually hate us, and find us irritating and sickening
perhaps i have always known, only at the surface of things. but nt in depth
what i read made me realise, actually we all know the truth at its surface, except we've never bothered to find out more, or perhaps we aren't prepared to accept it as a fact

now i know everything
the things i've always wanted to know
i suddenly wish that i hadn't probbed so far into these stuff
and could just pretend that no problems existed and live happily ever after

normally if i come across smth like this, the 1st thing is to share it with this certain grp of ppl who i'm quite, in fact, very close too
we've always shared these kind of problems together
but this time, i'm reluctant to tell them
cos i know that they'll take it even harder than me
but afterall, the have the rights, and need to know
i'm really confused

i'm just too tired to go on trying to solve dumb problems like this

i don't really care if all of you hate us anymore
my emotions and feeling's all numb, the senses are gone

i've given up

2007-09-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

i just wasted 1 hr, nt to mention 90cents to go all the way to kovan to find that hairdresser pauline is nt free
i am pissed with mum who didn't check properly before telling me to go
i went all the way there just to watch mum and jean eat dinner and buy durians
both of which i am nt interested in participating

i am trying very very hard to memorize my trombone positionings. its a hard thing, with all the sharps and flats and whatever, and different positioning for the different notes in different octaves. like how low Eflat, normal Eflat and high Eflat have different positions. nt like how the piano works, you just have to sight read and press the correct key. i am trying very very hard to memorize the positioning cos 1 thing, ms sia doesn't allow us to write the positioning on our scores and will murder us, and if she doesn't our seniors wuld anyway :P and things will be much easier if i can memorize the positionings well cos then all i'll be left to do is to sight read the notes and rythem when ms sia suddenly makes us blow some unknown nonsense. nt to mention, take note of my pitch and tone, which i obviously don't and can't anyway. i am horribly tone deaf. i can't even differentiate the notes sometimes i don't know how i ended up in band. and i am, very unfortunately, still smacked right in the middle during combine. and there is a 50% chance i wuld be e 1st in e section to be called everytime sia makes us blow 1 by 1. and if i can memorize my positioning efficiently, i'll have less trouble with triplets, intervals and arpeggios which are absolutely horrendous. and blah blah blah. anyway, everything wuld just be easier if i could just memorize my positionings very, very well.
and the seniors have cca stand down, which means there's no one to take us for drills, lead us in setting up and update us on what to do and where to go, or is there to teach us whatever we have to learn. up till 17 sept, which is only when our cca stand down starts, we will be totally on our own. i guess even thru cca stand down, instead of relaxing i'll be busy practicing everything i have to practice from scales to the many many songs and blowing high notes. and for my studies i really have to buck up if i don't want to fail all my review tests, which is actually just a nicer name for EOYs. i just hoped that cca for us wuld stand down a little earlier so i could prepare for my jap EOY. anyway, i and the rest of e sec 1s wuld have a terrible time preparing for main band and swearing in. i just hope everything wuld go fine with sia. i wished that mr choy could take us instead cos he is so much nicer and he makes band less stressful. unfortunately ms sia wuld always be there.
me and the section greens have to work really really hard and stop slacking. all of them have lost the madness, laughter and motivation ever since ms sia labeled us as the worst section and started scolding us every practice. i got motivated to work harder ever since but instead omotivating the rest of the section greens, it made them chao depressed and pessimistic. they keep thinking since ms sia forever has that perception that our section is the worst, then let it be. we're just slacking, and when i try to motivate them to practice, they tell me, 'for what. ms sia already said we're the worst, so let it be', which sometimes pisses me off. i mean, if we work harder we won't be the worst forever.
and i'm losing my love for the trombone. i feel really mean saying this, but my mum is right. my tone is so horrible that when i blow it sounds more like an elephant than a music instru. and when i was put into trombones i seriously didn't know what it was. when i saw it i was like, super shocked cos it looked so so cool and long and everything. cos ever since i saw rvps brass band i've been noticing this long long thing (which actually was a trombone) and saw how it was played by pushing out and pulling in the slide and everything and thought it was so cool. i never thought that one day, i wuld be blowing it. but now i realised that there is so much more to blowing a trombone. the slide which i was once fascinated with doesn't seem remotedly interesting anymore. it seems so much of a chore to have to position accurately, estimate properly without taking our eyes off the conductor or the scores, and move up or down when its to flat or sharp, having to listen very very much on our pitch, unlike the other instrus where they just have to press their fingerings and thats that. we have to depend very much on listening, which is very unfortunate for the tone-deaf me.
i feel mean ):
i must learn to love my instru and blow it well (:

you know why i like to blog?
cos if you like, you can read it. if you don't, you can scram and get out of here
no one is forcing you to read
unlike in conversations, ppl might nt be interested abt what you have to say, but listening boredly out of politeness and you chatter on without knowing that you are actually torturing that bored person
but my posts are mostly for my own purporses. for me to read later on and rmb abt the certain events, or to just let out my emotions and rant on and on and nt making ppl bored cos as i've said, you can choose nt to read this (:

mum thinks i'm anorexic and have nt been eating
i don't know how she came up with such a weird hypothesis
i eat so ever much and is getting fatter everyday
she, who was once nagging me to lose weight, is now worried abt me losing weight
does that make sense?

i don't know why i'm so full of crap today
perhaps its cos during school days my blogging time is so limited ):

i am still slacking

2007-09-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

i went for the trip to botanic gardens (:
it was quite good really
the scavenger hunt was really amusing
"2 pairs of white socks, 1 pair size 3 shoes, 1 pair size 9 shoes, 2 hairclips (cheers to me), 2 umbrellas, 50 leaves, medicated oil axe brand, 3 bunches of keys...." and all sorts of funny things
the most hilarious one?
"2 cockroaches, 2 grasshoppers, DEAD OR ALIVE"
and no, we didn't manage to find that one :D

and ok, here goes one of my rantings abt a certain person

who do you think you are huh? kmy's right, you don't even deserve to be a Singaporean and you're a serious threat to society. i'm really scared of you and what else underhand things you can do. you know i actually had a nightmare about you last night breaking up the friendship between me and kmy, and kimberly and sherbelle? i've had enough. you go around breaking up pairs of friendship and when they get sick of you, you just flounce off happily and find another pair to attack. you don't realise it but thats nt the way to be popular, ppl just look at you as a b***h and a v***n (sorry for being a little vuglar i'm really pissed now). seriously don't you ever feel guilty and remorseful about whatever you've done, and still doing? i realise that you're not that innocent, naive, child like person i pictured you as. please stop trying to break up anymore people. ruining friendships and spoiling ppl's lives. the thing is that if you're in a mixed school, and you do that to couples i won't be shocked and disguested but now you are doing to GIRLS and breaking up their FRIENDSHIP. i don't know what you will do to ppl who have boyfriends and husbands in later life. please, stop sucking up to people and thinking that you're the most popular person in the entire earth. and please grow up, instead of just trying to ACT GROWN UP but in actual fact is such a childish person. you seriously have the mind of a 10 yr old or perhaps even younger. the thing is that, i've met many ppl like you and i know vaugely what you're thinking. except that you are really horrible and despicable and the ppl i know have never been like that. and please, STOP BREAKING UP PAIRS OF FRIENDSHIP. ITS SUCH A DESPICABLE THING TO DO. so what if you manage it, and end up getting a new best friend? don't you feel remorsful abt what you've done to the other person? and that new person won't be truly your friend. i don't think you even care abt having true friends and just like to friendship-hop around and be popular. it will never end up anywhere. in the end you'll just find that by doing this, you're just losing your old friends, and nt managing to find new ones. please stop all this nonsense, i'm really sick of you. the thing abt me is that i hate and get angry very easily but once that person stop doing that particular thing i'll stop hating. like the way i get along with angelina now after our whole eng pw matter is over. BUT YOU ARE NOT STOPPING YOUR NONSENSE. when someone is pissed with you, or irritated with you, you should try to mend the friendship instead of just SWITCHING TO ATTACK ANOTHER PERSON OR ANOTHER PAIR. if you keep doing that in the end you'll find out that you have no one to attack anymore and just END UP BEING LONESOME. all that stuff abt nt trying to be popular, kmy accepted your explanation the 1st time but i didn't. why? becos i know what you was thinking. and just trying to fake for sympathy. AND HOW DARE YOU START SPREADING THAT I WAS JUST BLOGGING THOSE POSTS FOR THE SAKE OF ASKING FOR SYMPATHY. PLEASE LOR, I AM NT A FAKER LIKE YOU. and i was right. when kmy got angry with me and started going out with you, instead of trying to help us make up you started telling kmy how i am irritating and backstabbing me. you know how painful it is to have a person backstab you like that, especially when that person was once a good friend of yours? you know how painful it is to me emotionally at that period of time? I'M ASKING YOU, DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT IS? DO YOU KNOW THE HURT YOU'VE CAUSED ME TO SUFFER? DO YOU KNOW HOW YOU'VE HURT BOTH ME AND KMY SO MUCH? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN YOU'VE BROUGHT TO BOTH OF US AND HOW MUCH YOU'VE MADE US TEAR? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EMOTIONAL DISTRESS YOU'VE CAUSED? WHAT ABOUT KIMBERLY? DO YOU KNOW HOW NAIVE SHE IS AND NOW YOU'RE BACKSTABBING HER LIKE HOW YOU BACKSTABBED ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW SHE FEELS? HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN MIN AND LI LIN PAIRED UP AND LEFT YOU? DID YOU FEEL HURT? DO YOU KNOW HOW ME, KMY, KIMBERLY AND SO MANY OTHER PPL FEEL? DO YOU KNOW HOW SARAH, VANESSA AND NIENPING FEEL ABT THIS WHOLE THING, THOUGH YOU WERE UNABLE TO BREAK THEM APART? WILL YOU JUST STOP YOUR NONSENSE WITH BACKSTABBING PPL AND HURTING SO MANY OTHERS?
and do you know how i felt when i read the msg you sent to kmy the 1st time we were angry with you?
do you know how much you've made me and kmy cry?
when will you ever understand how much hurt you've caused?
AND WILL YOU STOP HARPING ON YOUR STUPID MATH SCENERIO AND MY HIST TEST? I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. YOU WERE GIVEN AN EXTENSION FOR YOUR MATH SCENERIO. BUT I WASN'T GIVEN AN EXTENSION FOR MY E.LIT AND HISTORY GRADED ASSIGNMENT. DID I COMPLAIN? NO. AND YOU ARE NOT HAPPY JUST BECOS I DIDN'T TAKE MY HIST TEST. WHY DON'T YOU GO HATE OTHERS INSTEAD OF ME? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, GO TO MS LAW AND DEMAND FOR HER TO GIVE ME A ZERO? WHAT ABT OTHERS? DENISE, LETIAN? THEY DIDN'T TAKE HIST TEST TOO, YET YOU ARE NOT HATING THEM. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?
AND THRU THAT PERIOD OF TIME, YOU KEPT RANTING TO KMY HOW YOU HATED ME AND THE WAY I BLOGGED. YOU KEPT TELLING HER THAT I WAS BEGGING FOR SYMPATHY. CAN YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AND EARS TO LOOK AND HEAR HOW MANY PPL ACTUALLY READ MY POSTS? WHATEVER I BLOG IS THE TRUTH, TRUTH AND THE TRUTH. IT CALLED AN INTERNET DIARY FOR GOODNESS SAKE. WHY WOULD I LIE IN A DIARY? IF YOU ARE NT HAPPY WITH MY BLOGGING, THEN JUST GET LOST AND SCRAM OUT OF MY BLOG. NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO READ IT.
WILL YOU JUST STOP ALL YOUR NONSENSE?
no matter how much i tell kmy that we should make up with her and stop hating, i can't stop hating myself
i can't stop hating the person who backstabbed me and caused me so much hurt
even through the countless times i prayed, i can't stop hating you
the wound you've caused in me is too deep
i give up trying to make up with you. cos you're showing obvious signs of nt wanting to, and i'm nt stupid to let you try break us up again. i only thought we could remain as friends. but obviously you don't want to and i'm just scared the whole cycle will start all over.
the hurt and hatred will never fade.
you can hate me for all i care. i know you hate me becos ever since kmy and you sat together, you became closer except for me who was in the middle. then when kmy was angry with me, you would grab the chance and start brainwashing ppl abt how horrible i am. then when me and kmy got back together, we still treated you as our good friend but obviously you're nt contented, unahppy and pissed. i know what you think. you think now i'm trying to sow discord between you and others. but whatever i say is the truth, and its frm my heart. unlike you, i'm nt a faker. you think it was me who caused you plight but i assure you its not. i am nt the wicked one, you are. you caused yourself to be in the state you are in. ever so happy and nt caring abt the ppl you've hurt. i assure you one day retribution wuld come. you won't have a happy ending, i'm certain of it.
from now on, no more tears. i and perhaps kmy are never going to tear over this whole stupid issue again. we wuld never let you cause us any hurt anymore. like zhang man li says, 忍. when someone tries to hurt you, you should never let yourself be hurt because this way, you will stand to gain nothing except making the person who hurt you happy. no more tears, no more pain.
i decided to strike out the whole of the above paragraph because i know that would never be possible. being particularly sensitive people, both of us will perhaps never forget abt this whole thing. the pain and hatred will remain, perhaps lessen over time but it will always be there. we will never forget the hurt you've caused.
i just hope that you'll stop inflicting anymore pain on other people
haven't you caused enough harm?
when will you ever stop your nonsense?

i'm seriously apologetic for being so emo
i hope that is nt considered cyber bulling
i don't think so. its more like she's emotionally bulling me
and ohmygosh, i just realised that my rantings abt that certain person had hit 1514 words, by using microsoft words' wordcount.
shiying's right. 1 day i can just extract my posts frm my blog and compile 'A Diary of Joan Chan" and start publishing and selling it
but i don't think anyone wuld be interested

i shall stop crapping now
byebye :D

2007-08-31T22:55:00.000-07:00

i didn't make it back to rvps ):

in e morn when i woke up, i tried fruitlessly to get out of bed cos everytime i stood up i would topple back onto my bed giddy-ly. my head felt like it was going to split. so i thought i needed some food. i dragged myself to the bathroom and by the time i reached the kitchen i thought i had just ran my 2.4km. i dug out one of those remainding cupcakes and before i could eat it i got overpowered by stomach cramps. i crawled to the sofa groaning and trashing around like some mad idiot cos my cramps and headache was so bad. so i crawled back to bed and called mum, who was at tan tock seng visiting my grandmother, who couldn't do anything. so i lay groaning on the bed feeling as if a thousand knives were attacking my head and stomach. i couldn't even summon enuf strength to crawl to the kitchen to get myself a panadol.

i fell into a deep sleep and when i woke up, it was 1pm, realising there was many many missed smses and calls on my phone
my remainding cupcake got devoured by the ants. again

although i felt much better, i missed the 6A gathering at rvps ):

i then went to meet mum at tan tock seng and visited my grandmother
pray that God bless her with good health and nt let any mishap happen to her
its a bad time for the family

the clock in my room is finally spoilt, after being late by 10 mins for donkey months. i shall have to get a new one. i can never understand how ppl can live without clocks and watches.

i had wasted 1 whole day, although it isn't really my fault. i must draw up my holiday plan asap.

and shiying, please stop being so depressed

i must go to sleep now
i still don't feel too well and my stomach cramps are still bugging me
maybe i shall have to miss the church outing tmr ):

thanks chengmei for your encouragement (:
we will work hard (:

2007-08-31T00:30:00.000-07:00

major power failure? no school?
how abrupt.
just when i rushed to buy and wrap all my 7 teacher's day present
now i can go back to rvps earlier (:

but i left my chinese newspapers in sch and i need it for the stupid project ):
i shall rmb to bring it back on tues

band frm 9-12 on tues and thurs (:
i must practice hard!
i still can't sight read well ):

wanted to have an early night but ended up chatting with kmy for over 50 mins
but anw we can wake up late tmr (((:

i am currently on msn with some ppl
finding out things which i shouldn't, knowing things which i've always wanted to know
but suddenly it feels like i don't want to know and find out anything anymore and just pretend everything is fine and happy ever after
we know the truth, but had never faced it
perhaps, although its difficult, its time to face up to reality

i know its hard
but i know we'll always be there for each other (:
lets just stop being so pessimistic ):

its really starting to get serious between me, kmy and That Person
we should all just chill for awhile in the meantime, while we all try to settle this prob
but perhaps there's nth much we can do ... i really don't know. its all confusing and problematic. i've tried to stop hating, to make things seem better. but its just my own thinking. it takes two hands to clap, i mean, if That Person doesn't want to do anything abt this no matter how much effort i put in to try stop this whole problem, it won't make much difference.
but we ought to try nt to feel so unhappy and chill -looks at kmy and myself
and try to stop all this nonsense -looks at That Person
i just don't want to leave this hanging there

all this stuff abt trying and putting in effort
does it make much difference to the result if the problem, in the 1st place, doesn't lie solely with you?
i've tried. and its difficult. i'm really tired of all this nonsense happening and no one doing anything abt it. well, maybe they are. but it doesn't cause much effect. i mean... ok i don't really know what i mean... i just hope that all these things and problems abt personal relations would just end soon and everyone would just live happily ever after

if only it was that simple

thanks tessa... for everything you've done for us (:

2007-08-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PKMY
you are officially 13 today (:

my dumb surprise turned out to be...
A HOMEMADE CUPCAKE. -how uninteresting ):
i hope she liked it. it didn't turn out that good cos i didn't have enuf choco power and i didn't put enuf baking power so those pathetic cupcakes looked so teeny and underformed.
and it was all nice, cripsy on the outside and fluffy on the inside... but it didn't taste as nice cos i had to put it in the fridge ): thanks to those dumb ants
the ants infested two of my cupcakes which i left out to cool ):
i am now snuffing off the rest. i am going to get so fat

anw, the effect wasn't as good as i expected
i wanted it to be before everyone went for recess and sing kmy a birthday song then i'll give her e cupcake wif e candle on top
but all thanks to the o lvl prelims, we wern't allowed to sing birthday songs, or stay even for the most teeny bit in class cos mrs soh had to escort us to the canteen
i spent half of recess with denise luring kmy away when i tried un-fruitfully to light the dumb candle. it was just too windy
i suceeded in e end but the moment i lighted the candle, kmy had to blow it off immediately cos the wind was blowing. so fast that i didn't even haf a chance to sing her an opera birthday song ):
she made me jealous cos she got so many presents ):

anyway, i'll really miss mrs kwan
i suddenly do like her alot now, if i put aside her sarcasm
i didn't even haf a chance to give her a teachers day present

ppr was quite good. i improved like 3 + marks with a 73.~ (i don't rmb)
i'm just quite disappointed english was again a B3, math and art was a B~ (i don't rmb too) :(
at least no Cs this time
and i still feel guilty abt hist. cos i know my ppr won't be so high if i took that hist test ):
band today was 3 hrs straight of combined
nearly killed me
we were playing section by section while ms sia was enjoying torturing us with what she gave a nicer name, 'testing us on our basic fundamentals'
scales, triplets, 16 counts
triplets went so fast i'm surprised my right arm is still intact
weiyun is amazed at my positioning and keeps making me laugh ):
my sect got kicked out cos of Aflat scale. which i felt guilty for cos i accidently played D instead of Dflat ):
and we didn't want to go back in cos they were playing singapore rhapsody ):
without the sec 3s, i really couldn't just sit there and stone nor fake blowing anymore cos it was pretty obvious. with me sitting right in the centre somemore
so i blew and made the song sound bad ):
i'm just glad i lived through it. and the last 2 songs of sousa too

SHIYING! CHEER UP ):
you looked so sad ): jiayou okay? (:
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO TO PERCS ):

i want to sleep so badly cos i had a bad night
i shall put asean off till the hols
sorry vanessa, nien ping and sarah!
i hoped you all didn't read all those hateful posts i blogged cos i really wasn't feeling too right then... ): and if you already read it, i hope you won't take it to heart ):
and don't worry, i won't go on strike :P i promise i'll finish up the brouchure asap (:

i shall siam off cos i haven't bought and wrap my teachers day presents!

2007-08-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

haha kmy i shall make you do a treasure hunt all over the school! MUAHAHAHAHA
just joking. LOL. and dun worry i won't kidnap euu x)
and its just a small surprise lah... actually nt even much of a surprise... don't expect so much okay? :)
i can't wait for tmr!

except its combined... without sec 3s
and i think the test sia promised wuld be tmr
GROANS